its been about 4.5 years now since i’ve worked a “proper job”, in another year or so i will have been a free agent longer than I was an employee. have some reflections

the big thing that i don’t typically talk about on main is my financial situation, which is not terrible, but still a tangible constraint on my life. on the other hand i have a lot of time freedom, on a day to day basis i am free to do whatever i like, whenever i like

in practice tho, the thing that I don’t like to admit (but am going to have to if I wanna get past it) is that without an employer or a conventional career, i’m sorta haunted by a spectre (which is me) that tries to insist that I do “what is right”

what do I mean by that? it becomes clearer when I look at my todo list. there’s stuff that I know “would be lucrative” to write or make, and there’s a part of me (manager/agent) that feels compelled to prioritize that. but there’s another part of me (artist) that realllly doesnt

so it’s like… even after “breaking from the rat race” in some sense, i haven’t quite made it all the way out. i still worry about providing for my family. and that nudges me towards “you should make/write stuff that’s popular, that sells”. but a part of me hates all of that

what’s spooky for me to come to terms with is that the spectre looms so large, that when i try to get away from it and sit down and think “alright artist visa, let’s let you have the stage/floor. what would you like to do? what would YOU write?” i find myself drawing a blank

sort of like that cliche where a couple is fighting n there’s like a yelling and “okay what do you want to do then” and the other partner is like “nothing i dont want to do anything anymore fuck this” and it’s infuriating but it’s also the truth of the matter in that moment

part of me wishes i didnt have to care about money or bills and that i could just do whatever tf that i like. i remember thinking it as a teenager, i remember wishing it while i was writing feverishly on my commutes for 5 years. I mean this is basically the dream of every artist

what’s kind of weird and frustrating and exhausting is knowing that I have 10-15 years worth of work sitting around that’s full of interesting gems that would absolutely pay my bills and renovate my house if I would just go thru it, package it, tidy it up, do all the sales things

but! i don’t want to do that right now! and i don’t want to hire someone to do that for me either. I just want to be a grumpy bitch for a while, it seems. I have no doubt in my overarching mission, underpinning fundamentals, etc etc. but nonetheless i am also tired of it all

at the point rn where i’m writing it, i think i’m thru the worst of it, and i feel like i’m recovering from something. another part of me is like “all of this is really just you dealing with the aftermath of quitting cigarettes, lol” and yknow what there’s a truth to that too

this thread doesn’t quite get at what i want to say but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ few of them ever really do, i’ll just keep trying as i always have. if nothing else i’m proud of myself for never giving up. /fin

i’ll add that the interesting thing is, in some ways i have succeeded at this thing that, ~4yrs ago i thought was 10-15yrs away, n yet it’s not like i’m ecstatic with happiness every day, lol. i was ecstatic when i published my book but that lasted a week

but i wasnt dishonest when i said i’d persist 80 years, i still intend to, still will, will die trying if i have to, i’m just reporting how it feels to keep going