There is some nuance in the space between having a preference and articulating it. Lots of dudes are utterly incapable of walking this not-that-fine line. These dudes are about as tender and sensitive as a bull in a china shop, so it’s a pretty good litmus test actually.
“I only like X” is an interesting statement to make in any sense. Suppose I said “I only like Thai food”. What does that even mean? Does it mean I refuse to eat anything other than Thai food? Or that I’ll eat other food sometimes, but I’ll be grumpy and resentful the whole time?
How about… “I only like single-player games”. It’s also a strange sentiment. I generally prefer single-player experiences, but I do still occasionally like playing co-op with my friends. Is there anything in my life that I “only like”…? 🤔 I only like kind, thoughtful people?
Using the phrase “only like” is so… limiting. It imposes hard boundaries on your experience. “I only like dating cishet women”. I mean… OK? Even if it’s technically true, why must you say this? Why do you have to put up a wall around what you like? Something suspicious here
When an Indian dude in SEA says “I only like Chinese girls”, IMO what he’s really-mostly saying is “I don’t like Indian and Malay girls.” Which… again, why do you have to SAY this? Why is this something you need to put on a flag and wave it around for all to see
When I was a teenager, I used to be a little uncomfortable around most other Indian kids – bc I felt like an outsider, an imposter. I was a picky eater who was uncomfortable with the food, I was bad with the language, and the idea of visiting a Tamil girl’s parents was terrifying
There was a period of time where the idea of dating someone from not-my-culture seemed like a promise of ‘escape’, something freeing & refreshing. The shared context, not the person (who is, you know, a person). Obama wrote about this quite beautifully in his memoir IIRC
So maybe “I only like Chinese girls” might be better expressed as “I am afraid and nervous around brown girls and their families”. But you know dudes and their fear of admitting their fears. Which is tragic. We need nurturing spaces where we can talk openly and kindly, and heal
But of course, and again, women and girls are not rehabilitation centres for dysfunctional dudes. Come to me, my dudes. You are safe with me. Lay down your borrowed weapons and take off your too-big armor, and let’s talk about your fears and uncertainties. You can be so much more
Back to my own story – I married young, and lucked out on that front – but if I were single, I think I’d definitely have spent my early 20s trying to date people from not-my-culture. I would have wanted to know how I was seen by fresh and foreign eyes. Hell, this is why I tweet
Relationships are deeply personal, intimate things. You bring all of your messy selves into a little shared universe, and with time&space it fills up with inside jokes & a common language, injustices &cruelties, private games & secrets. To approach this without tenderness…