just another cockanathan

Just want to muse with you
have you ever felt

your cock? no

that as you attain more experience
it’s almost as if all the concepts you learn
and you were attracted to when you were younger
just attain a greater nuance
almost as if what you got out of them was a mirage
and that there are many many layers

sure, greater nuance is a natural thing
that doesn’t make your earlier interpretations a mirage

yeah it’s something that always amazes me

your cock?
a better analogy might be- it would be a more coarse map

in a very mild way – mostly because i take it for granted

your cock?
^me too

ok…

but yes this is entirely the natural order of all things really
the emergence of complexity through reiterated practice
think about how your form improves over the months and years as you do thousands of pushups and dips and muscle ups
your body knows more than you can verbally describe
and through this trial and error you gain a nuanced understanding that is progressively deeper, fuller, more complex

sometimes even contradictory
it’s as if i punch through to someplace deep enough
i could have two contradictory ideas of how it might work
and still be comfortable with it
hard to explain, though

contradictions are half limitation and half source of creativity/insight (both one and the same)
all good stuff is emergent from contradiction

almost like actual clear boundaries begin to dissolve

think about it. name something good in life

Love?
and since you’re at it
my cock

contradiction betweeen self and other
contradiction between body and mind

yeah

if there is no contradiction
there is no confusion
there is no crucible for growth and art and learning

also, regarding your website post about smoking
i think i resonate with it on some level
it’s almost as if you get bored with a process
and then you just move on
to another state of being
or process
or experience
it’s kind of like me being depressed and angry. gradually you reach a point when you begin to just get ‘bored’ of it. and the story you’re telling yourself falls away

cigarettes genuinely don’t seem to taste as good these days i think it’s the blend or the crops or something
everyone i ask agrees with me when they think about it

Really
that’s interesting
ironically by making cigs worse it might just help people quit

#conspiracy

or it could just be you’ve been smoking waaay too long

could be, but my dad’s been smoking 50 years

Same
30 though
my dad’s younger

but yeah i used to have this obsession with systems
i still do lah
but i used to obsess with identifying them and naming them and analysing them

btw in the hobbit gandalf is smoking in virtually every scene
i have an recurring interest in processes

i have a recurring interest in everything

but i like to see them out of the corner of my eye
like intuitively
only when they keep recurring then i start to label them tentatively
it’s like mapping out a territory i keep meandering around and around

yep

thanks for musing with me

what made you think about this

sometimes i get brain farts
just examining my reactions to things around me
how a lot of the qualities i attached to people, experiences and things
are actually self created
not objective
and as i change, they change as well

Sure
i was reading this nice piece about how
we reinvent a book with every read
because each time we read it we’re at a different stage in our life

every memory too, actually

yep

what’s interesting, though
is that as life goes on
i feel more and more detached
less and less feverish

conscientious detachment inspires intense engagement

what do you mean

the most overwhelming experience of humanity and togetherness and empathy consistently recorded
is when humans go to space and see the entire planet as a single entity with their own eyes
oddly you have to get away from the earth to truly love it
same for home, for parents, for love, for travel
you have to detach yourself from what you love so that you may love it more truly
^that statement could be interpreted oversimplistically and lead to fucked up things

it’s ok

but think of the spirit of the idea rather than interpreting it in a ritualistic dogmatic sense

i exercise common sense..usually
what are your plans these days?
the novel?

the novel is a long run thing, quite a big project
can’t write a novel overnight
that’s like the ironman triathalon
first i must run 5k
it has to emerge naturally bottom up rather than be a top-down ordered project, you know what i mean
i have to build characters etc one by one

Yep
before i pester you somemore about your plans, which I am genuinely interested in
can I ask you a question which might come across as self-centered

sure

Visa, I know this can come across as self centered or whatever, but I know/hope you won’t pull any punches. based on your impression on me, and only your impression (don’t need to add the obvious that there’s limitations to that), what do you think I should work on?

which question isn’t
i don’t nearly know you well enough to give you a good answer on that
i think you’re quite fine the way you are
if anything it sometimes seems like you’re a little obsessive about these questions/inquiry

you mean i should ease up a bit? : P

i wouldn’t go so far as to assert that
i don’t know what is best for you

thanks for being honest anyway
but if you ever feel like there’s something in particular that sticks out
even if you feel it’s subjective
please let me know, if you remember

sure

i will do the same for you, but i honestly don’t think i’m playing on the same field as you, since you’ve got entirely different goals
and frankly your life situation is just waay too unique for me to judge

that’s the case for all of us really
well ok i suppose wrt fitness or musicianship or some specific goal
but in a broader sense, that’s the general case

haha yeah i get you
you must get a lot of people like me
asking you these kind of questions
since you’ve already put yourself out there

not really
got a few here and there
but way fewer than you might think
few enough that i can always respond to them immediately
and it is always a joy and a privilege
but yeah, just putting myself out there gives me a competitive advantage you won’t imagine

haha yeah i can imagine

it’s exciting how
you can leapfrog over people far more talented, hardworking, intelligent, capable, etc etc
just because you put yourself out there

i guess i get scared of
having to contradict myself

gotta learn to love it

because i always feel like i’ll keep growing
and that i want to have the freedom to change
without people having some idea of me
that might be dissonant with who i really am

remember my “how to save singapore” debacle

hahaha yeah…

kena criticize like fuck left right center
well that was awesome
i learnt something that day
wouldn’t have learnt it if i didn’t put myself out there
ships are safest in the harbour but that’s not what ships are built for

that makes alot of sense
just scared of people i don’t even know
or who haven’t gotten to know me
get the wrong idea

they will teach you
people who misinterpret you are there to teach you

bro, will you migrate?
because some of my overseas friends
tell me life over there is better
(US, Australia etc

i will travel
don’t know for sure about perma-migration

perhaps it is
they do have a self-serving bias to tell you (and themselves) that though
because they made a choice and they have to validate it, subconsciously
you know what happens when you go overseas, you become a different person
you become brighter, you ask more questions
you free yourself from your limitations
but you had that option all along

also applies to us, though.. i mean i’m really attached to singapore

yes it does (that’s what I’m doing about not-going to uni)
i think that’s a question that is easy to get carried away by
skips a lot of fundamental questions that matter more
it’s like asking are you atheist or christian, when it doesn’t matter as long as you’re a good person

i see..
i guess ultimately i just want to be happy, like you and everyone else
and i’m wondering if i’m limiting myself

we always are, heh

probably pointless

nothing is entirely pointless
i think it’s good to remind ourselves of the fact, maybe meditate on it for a few minutes
then get up and do stuff

Yeah
action cleans up a lot of mental clutter

we kick up a dust and then complain we cannot see

I want to thank you, though
for always being gracious, and also
for what you do

i’m not always gracious
i have said and done some pretty ungracious things

to me you are, i guess

don’t pedestal me lol
pedestal the principles
people are fallible

Hahaha
see, haha

i will more than likely need you to keep me straight too

that’s one of the problems of putting yourself out there
people see things in you
even me, lol
thanks man, but you got lerping for that lol

True, but we could all use all the help we can get
i admire his work ethic
and i love him as a friend, of course
I owe him more than I can ever repay
but i also feel like i need new mentor figures

have you found one yet?

my favourite people these days are actually sharan and sam

how do you go about seeking one? Haha, Yeah I don’t know Sharan well enough, but Sam’s great to confide in too

sure i have a whole spectrum of them, though i haven’t really sat down with one in a semi-formal setting
sam asks great questions, he’s single-handedly responsible for a lot of my personal growth

how do you find mentors? I just stumble onto them

ask yourself what you want to do/achieve
then find out who’s already done it
then ask them for help

what questions has he asked
if its too personal it’s fine

eh i can’t really think of any of the top of my head haha
not so much grand questions
more like in regular conversation
he tends to provide an alternative perspective that i find valuable
but actually i sense after a while i start to get a picture of sam’s general idea and i think i might get “bored” of him too
bored is a cruel word
but there’s a period of time when something new captures your imagination and ignites your mind
that for the most part seems like a somewhat limited thing

haha i know what you mean

technically the excitement is self-created
we pedestal the fuckers
then we resent them when we realize they’re human

yes
for relationships bro
does that happen?
how do you mantain relationships
without that
burning out
how do you manage it
not just on your part
but on the other party’s part

i think if you keep looking long and hard enough you eventually may find someone who doesn’t bore you

especially if people get disillusioned with YOU
whether it’s as a friend
mentor
or as a romantic partner (sharan?)

i don’t know entirely how to put into words
but i think something that contributes greatly to me and sharan is
both of us saw and have seen and continue to see each other at our worst
and we still like each other afterwards

ahh

so if you have that you protect yourself against disillusionment
because technically you’re disillusioned all along

Hahahaha
so the answer is to let it happen
and pick up the pieces

fight with everybody and see who sticks around to kiss and make up afterwards

or rather
let it burn away
and see what’s left that’s worth keeping
thanks

yep i think that’s fairly consistent in all my favourite relationships
lerp and sam too
a commitment to reconciliation

Yeah
i think life is a process of disillusionment
which is not as pessimistic as it sounds
it’s actually more real

yep, that’s the root idea underlying buddhism init
detachment and shiz
see things as they are and love them anyway, bruises and all
attraction is only half the game, and it’s the flightier half
the more important half is trust

haha yeah
thing is, its the fear of disillusionment that holds people back

so they treasure their illusions
but there was nothing real to treasure

Hmmm
not sure if that’s the best way to put it

yeah still trying to work it out

i think illusions are just easier and more exciting
the removal of illusion is still the most cathartic and powerful, but it’s hard to actually get to that state

can you talk more about trust? the less-flightier part – i think i interrupted your train of thought
or also why its hard to remove illusion lol

most of us carry too much with us i think
trust is knowing whole-heartedly that
for example if someone offered sharan a million dollars or pointed a gun at her head or something to fuck me up or my life
i know that she wouldn’t betray me because she knows i would do the same for her
well ok those are ultra-extreme and improbable conditions and you could bring up the possibility of deception (live today, run away, fight another day)
but the point is that we can have the worst fights if necessary
but still know that we’re both committed to reconcilliation at the end
that there is no “fuck it i’m leaving” moment, because no matter how fucked up things are, fuck it we’re going to make it work

how do you get to that point?
trial and error?
just go fuck it and let the chips fall where they may?

i guess first of all you have to pick a right person
i don’t believe in soulmates i think there are lots of people we can love and grow old and die with
but you can’t pick someone altogether incompatible
you need someone you share the same values with
i think for people like us, the pool of eligible individuals might be 5% or less
i have made it a point to surround myself with such people though, n_n being an example of such an attempt i think
having found such a person you then need lots of shared experiences
specifically you need traumatic experiences
you learn nothing real from a thousand years of coffee dates

Haha
but traumatic experiences are thrust upon you
you can’t seek them out, right?

true, you can’t exactly seek them out
seeking them out would be a bit morbid
i suppose a weak substitute is
talk about it

haha, not to mention weird

technically that’s what we do what right, when we run marathons etc
well you could embark on some sort of creative endeavour together, form a band, travel together, something that forces you to work together
it’s the working partnership that matters

yes

say “let’s do something”, then do it
and if it fails, discuss the failure
all learning is the discussion of failure

at the end of the day i think you’re asking, how do i judge a person’s character
and that’s a question i honestly don’t have enough life experience to answer
or rather
it’s a question we spend our whole lives learning to answer

how do i judge
through time and adversity?
ok got it

a 80 year old guy might smile at a 60 year old guy’s failure at it
got some really wise and learned men out there who misjudge people
but i think… fire in a person’s eyes is unmistakeable
what i love most about sharan is how fervently she gets pissed off and upset about the things she really cares about
that sort of fire you can’t fake

haha yeah
i kind of lost my sense of outrage, though
i don’t know where it went
comes back only sporadically

that’s fine you can’t entirely control these things

cheers bro
i’m going to bed soon
haha
thanks for the engaging talk

np, anytime
dont’ think too highly of me i’m just another cockanathan

@visakanv's archives

this is where I keep all the messy, ugly stuff from the old days.

just another cockanathan