Time and time again I find myself staring into space, overwhelmed with so many choices and options that I end up doing absolutely nothing at all. It feels weak, pathetic, miserable. I find myself wondering what’s the point of doing anything at all. It’s such a silly mood to be in, and I like to think that I’ve developed a framework for dealing with it- sometimes I even wonder if I choose to remain this way when it happens just for its own sake, to wallow in self-pity and misery.
On to better things. I’ve been feeling like I need to have a central goal in life that I can arrange everything else around. And sometimes it feels a little redundant or pointless to say what I already sort-of know, but I think I’ve got to do it anyway, if for no other reason than to remind myself of it. As I write all of this I find myself feeling that the writing is ineffective, tedious, slow. People are used to me being optimistic, cheerful, positive, and I don’t think many people really grasp how easy it is for me to be cynical and nihilistic if I’m not careful.
Being careful. So what is it, then? What’s my central goal? What could possibly encapsulate every little thing, every random interest? I’ve thought about it long and hard, and it all boils down to… effective decision-making.
That’s it, really. Nothing new, complicated or difficult to understand. We are defined by the choices we make, how we play the cards we’re dealt. By the end of my life, I’d like to look back and think that I did the best I could’ve. So far, this hasn’t really been the case. Perhaps I’m being a little harsh on myself, but then and again, perhaps I need to be if I want to get where I want to go. Sometimes it feels like being overly balanced is a pain in the ass, hollow and cliche rather than real, sincere and profound. I don’t know what to think. Pain is pain and it is real, and we shouldn’t pretend it doesn’t exist. But I don’t want to fall into the trap of obsessing about it, either. I’m just going on and on, now.
Re-group. Focus. Decide. Effective decision-making means getting the most out of every decision, in every context. Right now, it means dealing with this malaise rather than letting it fester any longer. I don’t want to stay in this cold, dark place, so I’m getting out. I’m pretty sure I’ve made progress from before. I know what I need to do to get myself out of this. Music has always been a source of emotional catharsis for me. (Opening a new tab, going to YouTube… Explosions In The Sky, The Only Moment We Were Alone.) So has writing. Which is what I’m doing now. I’ve been here before, and it gets easier every time. Well, maybe not exactly, but it does, in some way.
Effective-decision making is dependent on a few different things. Excuse me if not everything comes to me immediately. I have faith that it will, if not right now, then surely in a while. But I have to try. I have to keep writing. Sometimes effective decision making means deciding not to decide immediately, but not always. Most often, I think it’s best to figure out a course of action immediately, and act upon it. We can figure things out along the way. It’s important to overcome inertia and keep moving. If you know you’re stuck somewhere you don’t want to be, then you have quickly look around and start taking steps in any reasonable direction before you start to take root.
My desire is for humanity as a species to get better at making decisions. We have to develop our decision-making abilities, to understand them as a skill-set that can be practiced and mastered like any other. We have to learn to think better, to be aware of the mistakes we regularly make in our perceptions. We need to learn to understand emotions better. Our own, as well as each others. Emotion runs deep underneath everything, even the coldest and most impersonal-seeming “logical” decisions. We need to learn to understand our feelings so that we don’t hurt ourselves and each other as much as we do. We can resolve a lot of disputes, crises. I feel that everybody should be taught basic logic from a young age, to learn to spot fallacies and false arguments, to develop an immunity against bullshit, be it from the media, from others, or, worst of all, from ourselves. I have a vision for the future where people have learnt to understand how easily we misunderstand each other, and make better decisions for themselves and each other.
Above all else, we need to learn to love. Could there be any better decision that we could possibly make?