i can’t sleep and i have a lot on my mind so i’m going to just regurgitate everything without bothering with rhyme or structure… organizing my thoughts takes energy which i do not have right now

i am really beaten up physically at the moment, and mentally exhausted to boot

– two weeks ago at baybeats, i got pretty roughed up in the mosh pit. i fell on my back on the gravel when crowdsurfing to Anberlin, and it hurt (though not nearly as bad as when i fell off the stage at deafcon 6). sure it was fun, but back injuries never are.

– i was sick with a high fever for about 4-5 days last week and i lost all sense of time. i hadn’t been eating properly, i’d been sleeping odd hours. i lost my rhythm with my revision for my exams, and was a recluse at home

– when i was just about to recover from my fever, i tripped over a rope when running for a bus. i now have abrasions on my left ankle, left hand (which i write with), sprained my right wrist, elbow and knee. i also have a big ass cut on my chin which refused to stop spewing blood until the next day (i believe it might have needed stitches… but hey the bleeding stopped today, so.) it hurts when i shower, it hurts when i talk, it hurts when i pretty much do anything at all.

i want to talk about my parents’ response to my cut. they treated me like i was 5 or 6 years old again. my mum made sympathetic noises and sounded really worried. my dad went out of his way to get wound-cleaning stuff and cleaned it for me. the whole time i remember feeling extremely loved. that made me rather uncomfortable. for those of you who know me, i’ve never been particularly close to my family. i don’t dislike any of my family members, and i have alot of respect for what each and every one of them has been through. for quite some time i’ve always felt like my parents don’t quite care about me for the right reasons, as if i’m some sort of tarnished trophy child… i’m a little too exhausted to properly explain what i mean but those of you who are closer to me will know what i mean.

it makes me rather uncomfortable because i’ve grown used to that stoic idea, that i can be somewhat ambivalent towards my family and just care about myself. i used to operate under an illusion of disassociation- like i’m living in my parent’s house, not my home, and that i could move out without any problems whatsoever. now my parents have reminded me how much that they love me and it really does unsettle me because now i feel obligated to repay that affection in some way…

gosh. i don’t think this is helping all that much. there is too much content, too much thinking and soul-searching i have to do and really the one thing i should be doing right now is throwing all that out of the window and STUDYING instead. but it feels so pointless, so irrelevant when there are so many more things to worry about in the world around us. i know i can resolve the thoughts in my head but they will take time and effort and i just feel so fucking guilty when i’m not studying, which is like the whole of this week

my phone service got cut cause my parents haven’t paid the bill, i don’t blame them because business isn’t so good and i haven’t been doing my best to keep my bill low… i can’t make calls or smses, only recieve them. oh and when i fell i lost my handphone cable thingy which connects my handphone to my headphones; my headphones are fine but now i’ve lost my music which was keeping me pretty happy. ragh

i don’t need sympathy, i’m not sure what i do need. i don’t think i need more rest, it doesn’t seem to be helping. but there is so much phlegm in my lungs and my back and body hurts so much i really can’t do much else at the moment. i am not going to indulge in self-pity, because i thoroughly intend to bounce back from this

i will be fine
thank you for listening