since i was a kid i’ve always been an attention whore
lead singer disease
must be center of attention
must always have the final say
must always win every argument
i’m still like that abit
somewhere along the line i discovered music
actually it was always there in the background but i never really got fully aware of it until early sec sch
then there was ronin and ronin was inspiring and i was inspired
and i knew nothing about the scene
except there were all these cool people making cool music and living out their cool dreams
and i wanted to do all i could to help them, and, heaven forbid, be like them
somewhere along the way things started getting messy
some of the people turned ugly
or they were all along and i didn’t know
some of the good intentions became selfish ones
somehow i was made to believe that helping other people was my loss
because either they didn’t care, were just pretending, or a multitude of other excuses you could give
so somewhere along the line, after uprisal and eruption which were great shows, things started getting messy
some people were saying i was cocky/corrupt/loudmouth/dunno what else
crush got messy and we lost alot of money
my whole approach to life and my passion came under fire
then wayne died
then somehow it all sort of collapsed inwards
thinking about it he made me realise what kind of person i wanted to be and what i wanted to do for those around me
it made me realise i wasn’t having fun trying to earn money from doing gigs
i had far more fun watching people have fun
it reminded me that the number one thing that got me into this was because i was so inspired and amazed by the honesty and passion of the people
and i wanted to inspire people in turn
it made me realise what my music really means to me
and it’s making me realise how i ought to carry myself as an individual
it feels like i’ve come full circle
i jumped into the far end pretty deep
didn’t like it
and somehow am back where i started
but with the knowledge and experience
i suppose that’s what matters
and i can’t say “i couldn’t have realised this without doing all the stuff i regret doing”
because that’s like justifying everything you wish you didn’t do or say
it feels like i’m growing up, maybe
but it’s frustrating to realise that that’s how i feel every year
and every year i look back and think god what an immature know-it-all bastard
so this time
i’ll admit
there’s alot to learn
it’s the people you share your life with, the relationships you have with them
and how much you respect, treasure and honour that
the weight of your words
and how much you mean what you say
and how much of your words translate into actions
in the end, that’s how you’re measured by those around you, those you touch
i don’t care to believe in religion
but i do care about what you leave behind
to the world that brought you up and brings you down
so i have to say
to those of you who’ve stood by me through all of this
and you’re still giving me a chance
i love you
i love you so, so much
and you make my life beautiful.
you know who you are.