{"id":15336,"date":"2023-07-05T17:39:58","date_gmt":"2023-07-05T09:39:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/blog\/?p=15336"},"modified":"2026-04-22T12:46:04","modified_gmt":"2026-04-22T04:46:04","slug":"my-creative-process","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/blog\/my-creative-process\/","title":{"rendered":"my creative process"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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\u201csocial mistake i used to make a lot was, always engaging with everyone the way I wanted to be engaged with, which was to be taken seriously in a very particular way. turns out a lot of people just* be saying shit**, without necessarily like, putting heavy significance*** about it\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

I initially typed the above out as a tweet, but I quickly got the sense that it\u2019s too complicated to manage. the second sentence in particular has paragraphs worth of caveats, and there are all these implications that I don\u2019t particularly intend, and by the time I address all of that I will end up with a completely different set of words.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

and then I found myself quickly thinking, wait, that\u2019s a great sign that it should be an essay! and the moment I have THIS thought \u2013 \u201cgreat sign it should be an essay\u201d, another part of my mind sets off on a separate tangent of \u201cohhhh it\u2019ll be so good to get into like, how some thoughts are better for tweeting and some thoughts are better for writing essays, and like the creative challenge of managing both at the same time\u2026\u201d and I started to get really tired.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

the above 3 paragraphs are an interim state. the 3rd paragraph I might end up spinning off into a separate essay entirely. I have another essay in a different window that I initially started on today, and I\u2019m currently negotiating with myself internally about whether I should go back and try and finish that one first, or if I should put that on pause and do this one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

this is a screenshot of my creative process. i am always working through things in my mind like this. layers upon layers. if you sometimes see me write something surprisingly clear, simple, useful, etc, that\u2019s downstream of all of this wrangling. I suppose at some level it must be like how I find it astounding that illustrators are able to sketch a human face beautifully, or draw the scene of a street effortlessly. it\u2019s because they\u2019ve worked through all the wrong interpretations, all the wrong moves. once you understand that stuff and you brush it out of the way, you almost can\u2019t help but do the right things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

all of this is a game that I am playing with myself. when I play it well, it is absolutely exhilarating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2731 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(2023-2024?) I have a lot of internal conflicts. Doesn\u2019t everyone? Right now I\u2019m thinking about how I\u2019m conflicted about what I\u2019m capable of. My abilities seem quite unpredictable. Sometimes I can get a ton of good writing done, on a whim, in a single day. Sometimes I spend weeks trying to write, and nothing seems to hold together properly. What is the truth of the underlying dynamic here? Is it \u201crandom\u201d? I don\u2019t think so, though it can look and feel random \u201cfrom the outside\u201d \u2013 and even I can feel like a stranger to myself when I witness my own creative process sometimes. It\u2019s conceivable to me that an experienced observer might be able to discern things about me that I can\u2019t discern by myself. Historically though I haven\u2019t had nearly as much exposure to skilled observers as I\u2019d like. I believe I have a reasonably good grasp of when people make good observations vs poor ones that mostly reveal their own biases and assumptions and say very little about me. The few times people have made good observations, I tend to become fast friends with them, on the basis of our shared understanding.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lets wind back a little. What is the truth of the underlying dynamic of my creative process? What do I even know about my creative process? Let\u2019s sketch out some details.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I know that it\u2019s fairly easy for me to come up with ideas. I have loads of ideas. Arguably too many ideas. I\u2019m currently ignoring all of them, because if I start spending time around my ideas I suspect I\u2019ll get swept up into a particular kind of frenzied stupor, and get nothing done \u2013 nothing tangible, at least. A case could be made that being in a blurry daze in the midst of all of my ideas, is actually an important part of my creative process that I don\u2019t appreciate enough because it doesn\u2019t look like it\u2019s doing anything. I may be imposing some unnecessary seeing-like-a-state authoritarian-tyranny on myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you asked me \u201cwhat are your ideas\u201d, my instinct is to bring you to my junkyard of notes, which are overflowing with hundreds of drafts and proto-drafts. Some of them are as short as a phrase like \u201ctherapycoded invalidation\u201d, \u201cplaintext literacy\u201d, \u201cadvanced stupid\u201d, \u201cartful incompleteness\u201d. There are some even shorter commonplace phrases that I know I want to write about, like \u201ceroticism\u201d, \u201chumility\u201d, \u201cstress\u201d, \u201ctalismans\u201d, \u201cdivinity\u201d, \u201cconsecration\u201d. And there are some strong titles like \u201cin other words\u201d, where I already know I want to write loads of things about all of my thoughts about language, vocabulary, grammar, meaning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A bunch of my essay drafts start out as tweets that don\u2019t seem quite right. I tend to open up twitter subconsciously with a thought ready to go \u2013 I\u2019m not even \u201cconsciously thinking\u201d about it. I think a lot of what I enjoy about posting to twitter is how it feels like Flow for me. I just fired off a couple of tweets while writing this, which is a thing that I notice happens almost every time I\u2019m working on an essay. So in a sense, I could say that working on essays produces tweets and working on tweets produces essays. That\u2019s what it looks like. But is that what\u2019s actually happening? I think not quite. I think I\u2019m just thinking out loud, and some thoughts \u201cwant\u201d to be in certain containers and not others. Like how some clothes \u201cwant\u201d to go with others. You can get as animist about this as you want. Do the items actually spark joy intrinsically? I don\u2019t know. Probably not. Is it \u201call in my head\u201d? I don\u2019t know. Probably not. The tickle is not in the feather. Perception is a collaborative act between the perceiver and the perceived.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2731 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

2024jul14 I want to spend some time thinking about my creative process. It\u2019s funny, I\u2019ve always believed that we can solve problems by thinking, but I\u2019ve spent remarkably little time thinking about my creative process. I do think I know why this is. I\u2019ve always thought of myself as a hobbyist, an amateur in the olden sense (amare, amore<\/em>, to do it for love). And I wanted to protect that. There was a part of me that was afraid that approaching my hobby with a professional \u201clet\u2019s think about this seriously\u201d lens would somehow kill the golden goose, spoil the fun, extinguish the magic. This was a bit of a \u2018luxury belief\u2019, in the sense that for a few years I could get away with being slovenly in my approach to my work, and romanticize that. But since the birth of my son, I find myself chronically short on time and energy. maybe i\u2019ll start by thinking \u2026. (abandoned)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

effortless mastery<\/a> in writing: What if instead of thinking about what I wanted to write I simply let my fingers write whatever they wanted to? I still have thoughts, I\u2019m still thinking hm maybe they want to write swear words, or clever words, or or or or what? Fingers like rhythm and aren\u2019t all that interested in content. The content somehow makes sense anyway, probably because of remnants\u2026 in the mind? Remnants from the mind that remained cached in the body, maybe? Maybe it\u2019s all in the mind, it\u2019s hard to know for certain, and certainty isn\u2019t actually necessary in this endeavor. You can actually go ahead with just a vague sense and then improvise from there. We can start anywhere. If we can start anywhere, why do we so often start from the same few places? Part of it might just be unconscious habit. After all we tend to wake up every day in our beds, and most of our journeys begin from home. But does it matter if we start in the same place every time? The point is to experience something fun and interesting. Take a different route. Go somewhere new. The second moment can be considered a new first moment of its own. It\u2019s all about how you frame it<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2731 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

2025may09<\/p>\n\n\n\n

one \u2013 It\u2019s 426pm. I have a thing at 7pm. And I might be interrupted sooner than that. I want to try and do something here in the meantime. I want to get a glimpse of something that feels like magic. What do I have to do for that? One of the things I believe to be true is that you can start somewhere arbitrary, then try to go in a marginally interesting direction, and then repeat until you end up somewhere cool. I can feel some of the thoughts and ideas in my mind\u2019s drawer rustling about a little bit, a little over-eager to contribute. I don\u2019t want to make too much of an effort to suppress them, but I don\u2019t want to introduce them either. I want to channel a spirit of irreverence that has felt like it\u2019s eluded me for some time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

two \u2013 I\u2019ve heard that the line \u201cWhere do we go now?\u201d in Sweet Child O\u2019 Mine emerged naturally in a jamming session\u2013 Axl Rose literally sang the question out loud when trying to figure out what lyrics to put in the bridge, and it seemed good enough, and so that\u2019s what it is. Is it really the best possible line for that song? It\u2019s hard to imagine it being anything else. But it\u2019s the kind of move you can only really use once\u2013 if you repeat it in multiple songs you reveal that you don\u2019t really have any ideas.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

three \u2013 sometimes I like to use bullets or numbers as a kind of navigational aid when writing. It\u2019s a way of creating some sense of structure, even if it\u2019s completely arbitrary. You can always take them out later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

four \u2013 one of the weird things about writing is that you might write the first draft in a linear fashion, but then you travel \u2018back in time\u2019 by going back to the start of the piece and changing something about it. Sometimes this is visible to the reader, but usually it isn\u2019t, and most readers probably don\u2019t care. Yet it\u2019s something I get somewhat self-conscious about, maybe because of my long habit of doing twitter threads, where each tweet cannot be edited. You can subsequently recontextualize it by quoting it in a new thread, or by adding more tweets at the end, but you can\u2019t edit what you\u2019ve already written. I wonder if it would be a good idea for me to continue with this arbitrary constraint when trying to write longform pieces, so that I don\u2019t confuse myself with too many options.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

five \u2013 I have always been someone who tries to do many different things simultaneously. Sometimes it\u2019s lead to really interesting outcomes, but for the most part I don\u2019t particularly recommend it. It feels more like an affliction than a blessing. Maybe it\u2019s both. My first book Friendly Ambitious Nerd<\/em>, for example, simply insisted on being about three different things at once. As a result each section is a little weaker than it could otherwise be, but I feel that the combination is important. I sometimes fantasize about writing an airport book titled \u2018Reply Game\u2019, but the idea of it kinda tires me out after a moment. The sensible thing to do would probably be to write an essay for starters, but I don\u2019t even really feel like doing that, even though I imagine it would probably be worthwhile to do. Why not do it? I feel like I\u2019m waiting for something, but I don\u2019t know what exactly, until I encounter it. I already have the \u2018primary frame\u2019, but I think that\u2019s not quite enough. There\u2019s something like a \u2018secondary frame\u2019, or the stories you want to tell through the primary frame, etc.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

six \u2013 maybe this is where we\u2019re going: the big puzzle of my creative life is, how come I haven\u2019t just already done all the things that I seem to want to do? How come, for example, my essay on wretchedness isn\u2019t done yet? Okay, let\u2019s say it\u2019s a kind of perfectionism. How come I haven\u2019t written a janky draft? Wait, I do have a janky draft. It\u2019s just\u2026 disassembled. And here I went on a bit of a journey\u2013 I had searched \u201cvisakanv wretchedness\u201d, found a podcast that I did with Jim O\u2019Shaughnessy, and realized that I ought to tidy up the transcript (which I\u2019m currently doing in another window via Claude.ai), and publish that, probably on my blog.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

seven \u2013 I just got back from a run and I\u2019m feeling good physically. My body is sore and I\u2019m going to hurt tomorrow, hopefully more good-hurt than bad-hurt, but running feels like a nice\u2026 \/fin<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2731 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

2026apr22<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In 2023, I wrote a fairly ordinary twitter thread, in the way that I typically do: just starting with a thought and then freestyling from there. It got an ordinary amount of engagement\u2013 a handful of replies and retweets, nothing unusual. I then quoted myself to review it, which is still quite in character for me, but something I tend not to do so much.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ll now copy out the quote-tweet (or you can read it directly on twitter here):<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

\u201ci\u2019ve been in a meta-analysis mood lately which might be interesting to some and insufferable to others. this is a pretty representative visakanv thread:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. a feeling
2. metacommentary on the feeling, how it might be “wrong”
3. pointing at common assumptions and misunderstandings
4. reference to other good reads
5. pointing at my own books, contextualizing them
6. pointing at past work
7. condensing most of the above into pop culture refs
8. questioning the original feeling
9. answering how it might be “right”, quoting old relevant thread
10. ending with a “hm, a lot of this is about <other topic to be discussed separately>”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

i don\u2019t plan out any of these things, I just start somewhere and then i add whatever feels like it ought to be added. like how one might write a song around a melody, or lyrics, or a bassline. you could start with any of the elements and then introduce whatever feels relevant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am to some degree somewhat bored of my own style and am sorta messin and shoppin around for different approaches. which i expect will mainly will happen in the essays.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Okay.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ll now copy out the thread in full (or you can read it directly on twitter here<\/a>):<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n
    \n
  1. a part of me feels like if i spoke the full truth of my internal beliefs about taking radical personal responsibility for oneself i would be alienated and ostracized for being antihuman (which would be ironic because imo what i have in mind is deeply humanizing)<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  2. fwiw i dont think that feeling is precisely correct in its assessment of reality, it’s a vague feeling meant to protect me. but it’s so meta in the sense that i actually kinda feel dehumanized by its protection. idk for sure, we’re still talking about it<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  3. a lot of people when they hear a phrase like “radical personal responsibility” they imagine something isolationist, solipsist, selfish, etc, and I don’t think that way at all. the foundation of my worldview is deeply collaborative, think anime protagonist “power of friendship”<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  4. reference also that steve jobs email to himself about how much he depends on everyone else<\/a>. what i have in mind is less some kind of LARPy fantasy of self-reliance and more an honest assessment of the web of cause-and-effect relationships that constitute one’s reality<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  5. technically if you read both of my books, FAN + Introspect you would get a very clear picture of my worldview. but it’s not very realistic to ask everyone to read 400 pages of text to get to know you, lol. (the small % of people who do, however, I have tremendous kinship with)<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  6. so my ongoing challenge as a writer has been to figure out how to condense a lot into very little. i’ve been reposting this<\/a> (summary of Introspect)<\/em> multiple times bc it’s the best condensation i currently have. which is not as good as i’d like, but… [gesticulates intensely]<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  7. i find myself reaching out to my younger selves… and honestly in some ways this thing I wrote 13 years ago<\/a> (poem about wanting)<\/em> is still better than anything I’ve written since. it has the benefit of being written when I had no audience to speak of and\/or adjust for<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  8. that’s basically it. it’s a sense of “nobody else is coming to live your life for you, this is not a practice or audition life, you are the one you’ve been waiting for”. i am basically talking about Frozen + Moana + LotR, all beloved popular movies, lol. why the fear then? lmao<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  9. well part of it is taking them seriously, i often get the sense that a lot of people think of popular movies as entertainment rather than containers of deep emotional truths. “why do you care about ‘a lot of people’, visa?” yea yea \/most-people\/<\/a> i kno<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  10. actually i think like 90% of it might just be that twitter might be the worst medium to do this, lol. books are great. in-person conversations are great. movies are great. you could do it in a comedy cellar. bruce springsteen did a beautiful intimate soliloquy-concert once<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  11. hm a lot of this is about containers and information architecture<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

    Phew. Okay.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Why did I just do this? Do I want someone to read all of this? It seems like too much to ask of a new reader. So I’m going to put it in \/my-creative-process\/ and move on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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