{"id":14107,"date":"2021-02-14T09:56:59","date_gmt":"2021-02-14T01:56:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/blog\/?p=14107"},"modified":"2026-05-02T14:49:25","modified_gmt":"2026-05-02T06:49:25","slug":"iterating-introspect","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/blog\/iterating-introspect\/","title":{"rendered":"iterating Introspect"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I came up with the idea for INTROSPECT sometime in 2018 or so, even before I thought of writing FRIENDLY AMBITIOUS NERD (which I choose as my debut ebook). INTROSPECT has been through multiple drafts, iterations and rewrites. In retrospect (hah), I had to write some of the earlier versions of the book just to figure out what the book should really be. Here\u2019s where I\u2019m at now, and I do feel like this is close to the final conception:<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It started with boredom<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I first wrote the book because I wanted to investigate and resolve my own boredom. Boredom seems like a ridiculous experience \u2013 there is so much to see and do in the world! Why then do I sometimes feel bored? Through lots of reflection and reading, I assembled a very specific 4-part explanation for the phenomenon of boredom. And to me, the very fact that there are at least 4 variables is itself a pretty compelling explanation for why boredom happens: because humans are generally very bad at dealing with multivariate problems. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

So here it is: Boredom is what happens when… <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n
  1. a tired mind, meets <\/li>\n\n\n\n
  2. a cluttered space, with<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  3. unrealistic expectations, and<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  4. poorly-defined utility functions.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    The first 3 variables are pretty well understood, and much has been written about them. If you\u2019re tired, you need to rest. If you\u2019re in a cluttered space, you need to declutter. If you have unrealistic expectations, you need to revise them. The 4th variable is a strange and complicated one. You can sort of reduce it to \u201cpoorly defined goals\u201d, which is more intuitive, but the word \u201cgoal\u201d has a lot of baggage and connotations that I\u2019m not a fan of. You could also maybe describe it as \u201cunclear purpose\u201d. I ended up going with \u201clack of clarity about what you want\u201d. And as I went on, I even found myself thinking \u2013 if you don\u2019t know what you want, what\u2019s the point of anything else? Why rest if you don\u2019t know what you\u2019re going to do with a well-rested mind? Why declutter or manage your expectations? What is it all for<\/em>?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    What do you want?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    So okay, to solve boredom, we first need to figure out what we want. <\/strong>How do we figure out what we want? This was what the first version of this book was going to be about. And I had so many questions to navigate by. I must have assembled a hundred questions about desire. What does it mean to want something? What if you want multiple things at once? What if you don\u2019t want anything at all? What if you want bad things? How do you know if something is what you really want, or merely what you think you want, or want to want? I started trying to answer all of these questions, but something felt flat and \u201coff\u201d about the book. I liked being able to have answers to all of those questions, but it didn\u2019t seem to be what the book was supposed to be about. I wasn\u2019t having fun. I felt like I was filling in background details for a cinematic universe that didn\u2019t have any truly compelling reason to even exist in the first place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    So then I started to agonize\u2013 alright, what is the job of a book really? A book has to take a reader on a journey from point A to point B. Technically, a book about figuring out what you want should take you from not knowing how to do that, to knowing. And I realized that a bunch of details about \u201ccliches worth examining\u201d (which was a whole section of the book) wasn\u2019t actually directly relevant to that journey. It was all background filler. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Experimenting with Instructions<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    I tried to get back to the heart of the book. There were two things that leapt at me. One was a blogpost<\/a> I had written about my career in marketing, titled \u201cinstructions I wish I was given as a newbie startup marketer\u201d. I remember thinking, hey, I wrote that blogpost years ago and it\u2019s still useful to this day. It\u2019s something I periodically share with people who are in that situation. I would like this book to be that. I would like it to be something I can share with people who are in the early stages of my journey. So I tried to write the second version of the book as a set of instructions for my younger self. This deceptively felt correct initially, probably because it was structurally familiar, but as I expanded the book it started to feel wrong, too. I realized it wasn\u2019t the heart of the book either. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u201cInstructions for newbie marketers\u201d is relatively easy and intuitive, because there are all these assumptions baked in about what you want there \u2013 you want to be good at your job, you want to have a successful career by all the conventional metrics. You want to impress your boss and colleagues, you want to do great work. \u201cInstructions for introspection\u201d is a significantly more convoluted proposition, because a lot of what you want to do is question your assumptions. I could<\/em> probably write a blogpost about it \u2013 I mean, I do have all the material \u2013 but it doesn\u2019t seem quite right to make the book<\/em> about that. A book of instructions\u2026 who wants that? I wouldn\u2019t have wanted that. (So what do<\/em> I want? Do you see how hilariously meta and recursive this entire endeavor gets?) <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Returning to sketches<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    The other thing that came to mind was that I ought to revisit the Twitter account (@introspectVV<\/a>) that I had started for the book. In the early stages, I was thinking out loud and sketching out threads for what the book might be like. The first thread was about the 4 variables of boredom I mentioned earlier in this essay. No surprises there. The second thread<\/a>, however, was about storytelling. I\u2019m looking at it now \u2013 the first tweet talks about how it\u2019s easy to empathize with characters and to root for them when it\u2019s clear what they want. Batman wants justice in Gotham, because it murdered his parents. Daenerys Targaryen, at least in the early seasons, just wants to go home. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    It begins to dawns on me that INTROSPECT is a book about storytelling<\/em>. Nobody gives a fuck about your instructions if you can\u2019t give them a good story. This is true within a single individual, too. You can\u2019t coerce yourself into doing things if you don\u2019t want<\/em> to do them. Coercion is unsustainable, it typically leads to resentfulness, frustration and despair. (I\u2019m\u2026 writing a whole separate book about this.) You have to inspire yourself to action. To do that you have to have a sense of what inspires you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n

    \u201cIf you want to build a ship, don’t drum up the men to gather wood, divide the work and give orders. Instead, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea.\u201d <\/p>\n\u2013 Antoine de Saint\u2014Exupery (allegedly)<\/strong><\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

    And so, looking at the stories I love, I found myself thinking that the book should really follow a classic Hero\u2019s Journey structure. Never mind that it\u2019s conceptually cliche \u2013 it\u2019s as old as time because it works<\/em>. And all my past structures have failed me anyway, so why not go with something tried-and-tested? This is just my second ebook, I can be creative and experimental with structure later in my writing career. Anyway, so I started piecing together my notes and fragments into the classic monomyth structure. Call to Adventure, Supernatural Aid, Trials, Abyss (Death & Rebirth) and so on. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    The Call to Adventure<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    I found myself thinking, what is this journey really about? I had some of my favorite superhero movies in mind \u2013 thinking of Iron Man, Moana, Black Panther, Thor and so on\u2026 I think Moana in particular struck me as a vivid example. Moana starts out on her island where everyone seems happy to be self-contained, but she feels a calling to go beyond \u2013 and she discovers that her ancestors were in fact voyagers who sailed the open sea. And here I get to thinking about Joseph Campbell\u2019s quote<\/a> about intentionally achieved psychosis \u2013 how the mystic and the schizophrenic both plunge into the same inward sea, but the former does so skilfully, whereas the latter is drowning. Okay, great. I have this sense of a voyage, a sense of challenge\u2026 the reader, the introspector is Moana, and they have to leave the island. How do you leave the island? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    What \u201cis\u201d the island? A bunch of it is the superego or the inner critic, the socially inherited constraints on one\u2019s thinking, imagination and so on. I personally experienced my Supernatural Aid in the form of books and media, authors and artists, and my ex-boss \u2013 and my goal with the book is to function as the guide for others in turn. A bunch of the trials become clear: what do you do when you\u2019re scared? What do you do when you\u2019re overwhelmed and confused? What are the problems you\u2019ll have to confront? What if you don\u2019t feel like you can trust yourself? Now these are far more lively questions than \u201clet\u2019s give you a bunch of instructions\u201d or \u201clet\u2019s examine a bunch of old cliches\u201d. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    And then the big question: what is the climactic moment? What is the death-and-rebirth moment, on the journey of introspection? And it hit me: it\u2019s the image of the self! It\u2019s about narcissism and self-loathing. Which is, amazingly, something that I have a LOT to say about, and have been struggling to find the right context or frame to talk about it in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Which brings me to a summary I tweeted earlier in a thread about my frustrations while writing this book:  I’ve been finding out that to address your boredom you have to address your desires, and to address your desires you have to investigate your self-concept, and to investigate your self-concept is to annihilate yourself. at the end of self-annihilation is renewal and rebirth, and when you get there you forget what you were bored about in the first place. Sometimes you pull a little thread because you’re bored and you accidentally unravel the universe.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Anyway, so that\u2019s where my book is at right now! I\u2019m pretty confident now that I\u2019ll finish it by the end of February 2021. You can pre-order it at gum.co\/introspect<\/a> if you like.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    (July 2021 update: hahahahaha)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    0.3 More caveats<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    I\u2019ve spent a long time agonizing over this book. Why? Why am I writing this book? I first started feeling compelled to write it around 2018. I had repeatedly encountered several ideas and motifs in my \u201cidea vicinity\u201d, in the conversations that my friends were having around me. (And even this is something interesting to examine, because there\u2019s always a lot going on in my \u201cidea vicinity\u201d, and this was something that kept \u201csticking out\u201d to me \u2013 meaning there was likely something in me that was picking up on patterns.) I was curious to better understand boredom, and after working through what I believed were the variables influencing boredom (tiredness, clutter, perfectionism and a lack of clarity about oneself), I decided that the fourth variable was the most important, and least understood, least written about \u2013 at least, in a way that I thought was accessible and compelling. So I set out to write about that. Largely to understand it myself. And I did write a bunch of twitter threads and blogposts about the topic. Still, I felt compelled to assemble it all into a book.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    What is a book? What is the purpose of a book, why should a book exist? I believe that a book should really only be brought into existence when tweets and blogposts don\u2019t quite suffice. A book to me is a comprehensive reading experience, a meaningful journey from A to Z. A book is a \u201cbig ask\u201d, even if you don\u2019t charge any money for it. You\u2019re asking for people to pay attention to an ordered set of words that go on for dozens and dozens of pages. And if you\u2019re going to make a big ask, there better be some good reason for it, something useful and valuable in it. Otherwise you\u2019re just wasting people\u2019s time and attention, and one of the worst sins in my book (ha ha) is wasting people\u2019s time and attention.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    I\u2019ve found that most of the time I spent agonizing on the book was time I spent not even looking at the drafts. (And I had several drafts \u2013 I have re-written the entire book from scratch at least 6 times.) I was asking myself questions like, what if it doesn\u2019t work? What if it ends up being counter-productive? The subject matter of the book is one that can be quite heavy and personal. If it\u2019s not the right fit for someone, not only might it waste their time, it might take them on a wasteful wild goose chase that discourages them from attempting anything similar. That\u2019s quite a heavy burden to bear. There\u2019s a good chance that I might be overestimating the damage I might do to someone with a bad book, and yet it felt necessary to me to be as responsible as possible. So I continued to defer writing and publishing the book until I felt I had more clarity about what I\u2019m really doing here, why I\u2019m doing it, who I\u2019m doing it for, what I\u2019m helping people to accomplish.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u2731 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    What follows are a collection of old notes from when I was writing the book.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    2020sept3: (This seems to be when I realized I ought to journal in between the Acts).<\/strong> It\u2019s 340am and I had to get out of bed because I feel this compulsion to be working on my ebook introspect, which I\u2019ve been feeling quite stuck with. I\u2019d be typing this in my computer, but my cat Sierra is asleep on my chair and I don\u2019t really want to wake him. Also I think there\u2019s a decent chance that I\u2019ll want to go back to bed after doing a little bit of writing, so I figure I might as well do this writing on my iphone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Specifically I was thinking that it would be good to have some actual examples of what my journaling looks like, interspersed within the content of the ebook itself. This is me typing on my phone in \u201cjournalling mode\u201d – there is<\/em> a slight distinction in the sense that I know that other people are going to see this, which means I type things like \u201cmy cat Sierra\u201d instead of just \u201cSierra\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u2026 well I just got distracted by twitter for an hour where I tweeted about marriage and money and divorce and stuff. Now I guess I should probably go back to bed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u2731 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    2021apr04: <\/strong>fraud: i struggled with my book for a long while and was feeling like a fraud in the middle because like if I solved this for myself how come I can’t seem to write about it properly? could it be that I was actually deluding myself about the progress I’d made?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    but I’m rediscovering that there’s no way to write about anything properly without talking to other people \u2014 because no matter how well we know our own experience, we cannot relate it to other people effectively without understanding other people as well, and the only way to do that is by talking to people<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    It\u2019s like the business problem of product and distribution \u2013 just because you\u2019ve solved for the product doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019ve solved for the distribution. That\u2019s at least another 50% of the problem<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u2731 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    2021aug1: Reread War of Art. You must read books when you are writing a book.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u2731 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    2021nov18 anguish: I feel like shit. It\u2019s because I haven\u2019t published the book yet. What exactly am I feeling? I feel like throwing up. I feel like I haven\u2019t slept in years. I am tense in my neck and shoulders. Maybe I should go for a run but I don\u2019t really feel like that either. I went for a short walk to get dinner and I felt like I\u2019m somewhere other than my body. I wonder if it\u2019s cortisol, am I being cortisol bombed? I seem to shit more when I\u2019m stressed <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u2731 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    2021dec22 dishonesty: I used to feel soooo bad about being dishonest as a child, I couldn\u2019t explain why I did it or where it come from. Only at like 29 or so did I realize that it came from my parents. And they never admitted it!! I don\u2019t even know if they realize.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u2731 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    2021dec24 heroes journey:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Status quo
    Onset of plot
    Call to adventure
    Hey kid u like adventure?
    Problem u can\u2019t solve
    You get punished for refusing \u2013 getting uncle ben\u2019d
    Leave the ordinary world
    Threshold guardians
    Into the unknown
    Loot, friends
    Find partial solution
    Belly of the whale
    Psychological trial – katabasis, decent, underworld \u2013 face & overcome inner demons \u2013 internal climax
    Character development \u2013 new model of reality
    Road of trials, temptation to leave your quest.
    Pre showdown breather. Reminisce. Show off characters\u2019 humanity
    Climax: showdown, apotheosis: elevation to godhood, boon – final reward
    Back to ordinary world
    How has the world been improved?
    Improve the culture around you<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u2731 <\/p>\n\n\n\n


    31dec2021 <\/strong>Optimism why? Baby steps people who can\u2019t walk\u2026 Act 3\u2026 Unravel universe repeated in overview\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u2731 <\/p>\n\n\n\n


    I see the light, I am the light. I am the sportsmen, the ball, the goal, the crowd, the cheer, everything is clear     https:\/\/twitter.com\/visakanv\/status\/1439897185743622148<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u2731 <\/p>\n\n\n\n


    2022jan6<\/strong> like if I am already visakanv without much sleep, wtf is well-rested visakanv gonna be like. It will be alienating and isolating to turn up the voltage that high<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u2731 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    2022jan11<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Act 3
    Boredom
    Trust bankruptcy
    Fears
    Social bloatware
    Coping mechanisms
    Exhaustion funnels
    kneelbeforezod<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    How to end act4?
    Alone, be with all the world
    Solitude and leadership
    4000 weeks: the more individual sovereignty you have, the lonelier you get. The more you try to manage time feeling total control, the more empty and frustrating life gets<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u2731 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    2022jan18<\/strong> why introspect isn’t published yet?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Lets speed run through the possible reasons. First thing is I\u2019m scared the book isn\u2019t good, or good enough, some perfectionism. Fuck it. Publish a weirdly byzantine mediocre book. move on to the next thing. Come back to it and update.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    2 is that people will be hurt\/upset by the book or take wrong actions as a consequence of it. Solve: I\u2019ve included a warning at the start and I can include a reminder at the end.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    3, there\u2019s something fundamental that\u2019s not still quite right. This I think is the most critical important thing at this stage. Act 1 and 2 are great. 3 4 5\u2026 they have the seeds of greatness in them, but they\u2019re not great. 3 and 4, I can kinda see it, 5, I don\u2019t know wtf I\u2019m talking about, not quite, and that to me is the unforgivable thing that makes it hard to publish.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u2731 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    2022jan30<\/strong> why not published?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    A labyrinth is a path through your most unpleasant, painful, ugly, horrifying memories<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    There are lots of things I want to include that I haven\u2019t included \u2013 this is fine though I can add them later<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    I feel like there\u2019s some sort of tension maybe that I haven\u2019t resolved \u2013 but I think that\u2019s fine too<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    There are several things I\u2019m trying to do with introspect, which means that I\u2019m not going to do any of them very well<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    One, I\u2019m trying to tell a story about my own personal journey of \u201cbecome who you are\u201d. This is deeply personal and also universal<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Two is I\u2019m trying to help other people with their own journeys. The tricky thing here is that I have to be careful not to project my own neediness outwards. I don\u2019t think I have succeeded…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    31jan2022<\/strong> Writing thoughts\/salon<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Showing people around a city
    Writing documentation
    Index pages, overviews
    Research
    Attention spans, snowflake writing method
    Continuity
    Writing the whole page in 2 hours after worrying about it for 2 months
    Being too apologetic, too many intricacies, they\u2019re just gonna skip over them anyway, just getting the concepts into their head
    Birds eye view<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Casually describe what matters, walk through some of it
    Had to remove things I thought about<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Essay vs book vs tweets
    Relationships<\/p>\n\n\n\n


    1feb2022<\/strong>: A note \u2013 resisting\/avoiding fear makes it worse. Worsens the anxiety. \u201cHiding from demons\u201d. Lao Tzu: \u2018whoever can see through all fear will always be safe\u2019 (2026may2:\u00a0avoidance consecrates)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    1feb2022<\/strong> #Introspect can\u2019t solve all your problems<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    There\u2019s just not enough space in a book to do that. You can\u2019t solve all your problems just by reading a book. And I have been stressing myself out trying to write a book that solves everybody\u2019s problems, lol. But that\u2019s not possible, it\u2019s not something that can be done within the scope of a single book.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Solving your problems takes time, it takes effort, and you\u2019ll have to work on it \u2013 probably for years. You\u2019ll likely have to seek out and do a bunch of additional reading. Talk to people. Try things. Make mistakes. This book is not a guide to solving all your specific problems. Rather it\u2019s an attempt at articulating a model-of-models, a sort of overarching worldview, a framework, a scaffolding for you to consider. It\u2019s not even a perfect articulation of the framework that it\u2019s trying to convey.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    took me an adorably long time to realize that you can’t solve everyone’s problems with a book no matter how good or long it is. like intellectually duh. But emotionally I felt like I had to do that. Why? Because I was afraid of disappointing people.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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