{"id":14017,"date":"2020-08-23T22:20:33","date_gmt":"2020-08-23T14:20:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/blog\/?p=14017"},"modified":"2021-02-06T22:36:07","modified_gmt":"2021-02-06T14:36:07","slug":"coercion","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/blog\/coercion\/","title":{"rendered":"unlearning coercion"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>It took me a long time (maybe 10-15 years?) to properly realize that I was in an abusive relationship with myself, where my self-talk was contaminated with the language of coercion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-embed-youtube wp-block-embed is-type-video is-provider-youtube wp-embed-aspect-4-3 wp-has-aspect-ratio\"><div class=\"wp-block-embed__wrapper\">\n<iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"put the gun down\" width=\"800\" height=\"600\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/mVj21uG2r_s?feature=oembed\" frameborder=\"0\" allow=\"accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share\" referrerpolicy=\"strict-origin-when-cross-origin\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe>\n<\/div><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>Working on an ebook about this, UNLEARNING COERCION: <a href=\"https:\/\/gum.co\/coercionbook\">https:\/\/gum.co\/coercionbook<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-embed-twitter wp-block-embed is-type-rich is-provider-twitter\"><div class=\"wp-block-embed__wrapper\">\n<blockquote class=\"twitter-tweet\" data-width=\"550\" data-dnt=\"true\"><p lang=\"en\" dir=\"ltr\">a consequence of self-coercion <a href=\"https:\/\/t.co\/uoPH17DjU6\">https:\/\/t.co\/uoPH17DjU6<\/a><\/p>&mdash; Visakan Veerasamy (@visakanv) <a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/visakanv\/status\/1297475689969364992?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw\">August 23, 2020<\/a><\/blockquote><script async src=\"https:\/\/platform.twitter.com\/widgets.js\" charset=\"utf-8\"><\/script>\n<\/div><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-embed-twitter wp-block-embed is-type-rich is-provider-twitter\"><div class=\"wp-block-embed__wrapper\">\n<blockquote class=\"twitter-tweet\" data-width=\"550\" data-dnt=\"true\"><p lang=\"en\" dir=\"ltr\">there are a few things that make a tremendous difference<br><br>loosely sketching:<br><br>1. unlearning coercion<br>2. growth mindset<br>3. resourcefulness \/ high agency<br>4. working backwards from what you want<br>5. social skills<br><br>I would say all of these things&#8230; are worth WELL over $1,000,000<\/p>&mdash; Visakan Veerasamy (@visakanv) <a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/visakanv\/status\/1296877467940995073?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw\">August 21, 2020<\/a><\/blockquote><script async src=\"https:\/\/platform.twitter.com\/widgets.js\" charset=\"utf-8\"><\/script>\n<\/div><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>&#8220;high agency&#8221; and &#8220;growth mindset&#8221; are roughly the same thing, and it&#8217;s also connected to &#8220;unlearn coercion&#8221; \u2013 you can&#8217;t coerce someone into a growth mindset. bc it&#8217;s fundamentally about freedom.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>&#8220;freedom&#8221; &amp; &#8220;love&#8221; have the same roots, etymologically. and i&#8217;m increasingly thinking that this is the single most important concept in my entire mindgraph. true freedom, true love, true absence of coercion. clear of obstructions, unrestrained in movement.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>the cool thing about Jesus and Buddha is that they tried to present alternatives to coercion<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>the absence of muscular tension<br>when your body stops fighting itself<br>when the chaos of your mind quiets<br>true and total relaxation<br>learning to let go<br>total acceptance of reality as it is<br>believing it&#8217;s possible, at least hypothetically<br>true resonance throughout your being<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>to be free you must be loving towards yourself<br>to love yourself you must be free<br>it&#8217;s a funny and cruel paradox of sorts<br>many will despair; it&#8217;s ok to despair<br>you should also laugh if you can learn to see the humor,<br>there is a freedom in deep belly laughter at the absurdity<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>you don&#8217;t have to start perfect, nobody does<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>before you learn to love the totality of your being (i&#8217;m certainly nowhere close, lmao) you can learn to love some part of yourself, you can learn to forgive some part of yourself<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>each little act of love sets a little bit of you free<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>you cannot insult, harass, shame, embarass and coerce people into becoming better people. because what they&#8217;ll learn from it is that insults, harassment, shaming and coercion are how you get things done<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>if nothing else, kindly but firmly refuse to do this ^ to yourself. refuse this repeatedly and over time the tension will dissipate and the freedom will increase<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(or not! it&#8217;s up to you, lol)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>the mistake that people make if they&#8217;re early on the path to unlearning coercion is that they use the old way to try and install the new way. this is hilariously self-defeating. it&#8217;s ok. it&#8217;s ok to get it wrong. laugh, shake it off, try again<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u2013<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>People become authoritarian dictators over themselves, the same way all dictators rise to power. They promise security, glory, greatness. They point at weakness and fan the flames of contempt.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>It took me a long time (maybe 10-15 years?) to properly realize that I was in an abusive relationship with myself, where my self-talk was contaminated with the language of coercion. Working on an ebook about this, UNLEARNING COERCION: https:\/\/gum.co\/coercionbook &#8220;high agency&#8221; and &#8220;growth mindset&#8221; are roughly the same thing, and it&#8217;s also connected to [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1171],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-14017","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-memoirs"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>unlearning coercion - @visakanv&#039;s blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/blog\/coercion\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"unlearning coercion - @visakanv&#039;s blog\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"It took me a long time (maybe 10-15 years?) to properly realize that I was in an abusive relationship with myself, where my self-talk was contaminated with the language of coercion. 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