{"id":13518,"date":"2019-11-11T16:03:53","date_gmt":"2019-11-11T08:03:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/blog\/?p=13518"},"modified":"2024-12-26T19:21:59","modified_gmt":"2024-12-26T11:21:59","slug":"empty-your-cup","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/blog\/empty-your-cup\/","title":{"rendered":"\ud83c\udf75 empty your cup and allow life to surprise you"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

2024apr29: I think this wants to be a more substantial post about attention. consider my recent conversation with dinesh about focus and epistemology<\/a>… letting go of preexisting frames and assumptions, being genuinely open and curious<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

2017feb23 wordvomit (0647)<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

2019may-thread<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I never really understood the whole \u201cempty your cup\u201d and \u201cunlearn what you have learned\u201d thing until maybe a couple of years ago. Like, intellectually it sorta made sense, but\u2026 is it really that big a deal? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It actually is, IMO, and I\u2019m wondering now how I learned to see it<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I think it might\u2018ve been a consequence of being exposed to a much larger number of people and having lots of conversations – over time I noticed that some people were bringing all their baggage to every conversation, while others were listening intently<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cnever be looking so hard for something that you fail to see what is there\u201d – there\u2019s a quote like this and I\u2019ve seen people retweet saying \u201cah it\u2019s about journalism\u201d and others saying \u201cah it\u2019s about scientific discovery\u201d and \u201cah it\u2019s about parenting\u201d ~It\u2019s about life~<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you start looking for it there are tonnes of gems throughout the history of art and culture and storytelling that try to convey this. In TDKR, Batman couldn\u2019t make the leap until he let go of the rope. A metaphor for letting go, more broadly, in general<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We can probably graph this in some way. When we\u2019re holding on to preexisting ideas abt what we\u2019re looking for, who we\u2019re talking to, etc – there\u2019s a sort of Procrustean effect. We mostly only see what we\u2019re looking for. It makes us slow, stupid. We fail to notice nuance, surprise<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We might *feel* fast and smart, but we\u2019re only fast and smart within the narrow bounds of the game that we think we\u2019re playing. When we are fixated on the game we think we\u2019re playing, we close ourselves off from playing a bigger, better, more interesting game<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Circling back to \u201cactive listening\u201d – that\u2019s another thing that sounded dumb to me. I hear what you\u2019re saying, why do I have to be all… wooey… about it? But I\u2019ve grown to realize that words they say are like ~20% of what\u2019s being communicated<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The best questions you can ask someone is in that space where you\u2019re paying close attention to them – to their face, their expressions, their body language, and you notice that they\u2019re holding back in some way. They might not even realize themselves that they\u2019re doing that!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is true for regular conversation too, and I think it\u2019s true of comedy, wit, and of business – IMO I almost always want to be willing + able to drop my current routine\/pattern instantly in order to respond quickly and nimbly to what\u2019s in front of me<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At the heart of this, I think, is a question: do we allow life to surprise us? Bc everything we think we know is a *tiny* fragment of the world. The world *will* surprise us, in both good & bad ways. Emptying your cup is about refusing to be in denial<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2731 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(dec2022 thread<\/a>) a tragic thing is the dozens of exchanges i’ve had with acquaintances over the years where they’re struggling with something and imo they basically need a reality check but i’m not the right person to deliver it to them because we’re not that close<\/p>\n\n\n\n

it’s kinda meta too, it’s usually a thing that’s keeping them from experiencing closeness with other people<\/p>\n\n\n\n

or a thing that’s keeping them from getting to the next level that they think\/say they want to get to, but their demeanor says otherwise<\/p>\n\n\n\n

this is what I mean by “their demeanor says otherwise”. they have a glazed over look, yup. they’re not really listening. they’ve already decided. to get them to listen would require a kind of magic-trick class “shock to the system” which is a LOT of effort for me to orchestrate<\/p>\n\n\n\n

there comes a point in conversations where people can tell if you’re really listening or if you’re not. this cleaves outcomes into two camps, the people whose lives seem magically full of serendipity, and ppl who just cant seem to get anywhere<\/p>\n\n\n\n

the problem isn’t that they don’t know the problem. the problem is that they think they know the problem. if they admitted they don’t know, we can help them. in fact, anyone can help them. even a child can help them, if they’re really listening.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

this is what Empty Your Cup is about<\/p>\n\n\n\n

you can see it in groups of friends, in scenes, etc, when a bunch of people have Made Up Their Minds about stuff and they’re not interested in listening. and then there are other people who have decided to set up camp and have a fruitless conversation with the non-listeners<\/p>\n\n\n\n

this is how we get sitcom dynamics<\/p>\n\n\n\n

we cannot help people who are too busy to REALLY listen. not in the moment, anyway. we can try and leave them some breadcrumbs that they might trace back after some crash event<\/p>\n\n\n\n

this is also what i was screaming about here (I cannot help you if you don’t fucking read!!!). knowing what words mean and reciting them does not mean you are actually reading<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I get it, there are lots of reasons why people might be functionally incapable of listening or reading:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

mostly just kinda sad to witness people blunder around with blinders on \u2013 and if anyone tries to intervene head-on, often they’ll fly into a rage about it, or otherwise be really obstinate and difficult and unpleasant to deal with. so their suffering will continue<\/p>\n\n\n\n

10000+ interactions with people later, I’m actually fairly convinced that, in the general case, “give them breadcrumbs they can trace back after some crash event”, is close to the best move, in terms of bang for buck<\/p>\n\n\n\n

the most intuitive\/common version of this that people encounter is probably, your friend is dating someone who’s obviously bad for them, and they’re someone who doesn’t appreciate having their judgement questioned. so what do you do?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“nothing” is actually a solid workhorse of an answer. because the wrong answer can ruin the friendship. I’ve seen it happen. (and, meta: at a higher level view you get to ask yourself, do you want to be friends with people like that? there’s no global right answer, its up to u)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

like how in some video games you need high charisma etc to unlock the more interesting conversational options \u2013 stuff that works well here is socratic questioning IF YOU CAN PULL IT OFF WITH SINCERE INTEREST + WITHOUT CONDESCENSION<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I do this with friends I care about, but with acquaintances its like, do they even want that conversation? seldom. I’ve had mutuals unfollow me over situations where I ask them questions, fairly gently but persistently, that they then take 2-3 years to come around to themselves<\/p>\n\n\n\n

it used to be, “i can see how it plays out but i can’t do anything about it”, now it’s like, “I can see how it plays out, and I can help, but the cost\/benefit on that is seriously not in my favor”, which in some ways is more bleak,<\/p>\n\n\n\n

but so it goes, such is life, lol, ayy lmao<\/p>\n\n\n\n

i know that the adversarial read of this is “visa has a messiah\/savior complex and thinks he was put on this earth to solve people’s problems”, to which, oof, touche, i’m working on that lol, but also yeah I have<\/em> helped loads of people with their problems and hammer\/nail etc<\/p>\n\n\n\n

having made a tremendous positive difference to some subset of people can be a bit of a mindfuck to experience \u2013 this has you veering towards the Excruciatingly Meaningful part of the equation and you gotta steer back<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014 2. \u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n

oceanic? 2023feb17<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Words spill out of me. Every day I wake up and I write a bunch of tweets. I don\u2019t consciously plan these. They just happen. They happen almost in spite of me. Not all of them are good, but some of them end up being better than I imagine possible. The challenge for me as I see it is to do the same with everything else, especially these essays<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Every day I wake up and I find myself in a different mood. It\u2019s been raining for about a month in Singapore, it\u2019s relatively cold and dreary, and I found myself frustrated because it felt like it was \u201cinterfering with my process.\u201d But I also find myself thinking, \u201cThe world isn\u2019t consistent, darling, so why do you expect yourself to be?\u201d In the video game The Outer Worlds, there\u2019s a scene where a character Vicar Max goes on a sort of vision quest and encounters an idealised version of himself, who chides him \u2013 \u201cI don\u2019t exist, yet you compare yourself to me, why?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have many idealised fantasies about all sorts of things. Hundreds of drafts of essays that could have been. There\u2019s nothing wrong with having drafts. The issue in my case is that, when I\u2019m not careful, I stumble into this needy affliction of trying to make an essay happen when it doesn\u2019t want to happen. This is completely different than how I do my tweets. Maybe there\u2019s something about the scale and scope of it. A \u201cfailed tweet\u201d doesn\u2019t cost much, doesn\u2019t mean anything. A while ago I cleared out hundreds of draft tweets \u2013 typically I started typing something and then I lost interest in it midway, I got distracted, or I wasn\u2019t feeling it, and I abandoned it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

A part of me feels obliged to lay out all of these drafts on paper, to go through them, to do them justice, to keep them in my heart and to weave them into my work. This is a nice gesture, but it\u2019s often overwrought. Some of that endeavor is helpful, but I expect too much from it. Realistically, my most powerful work happens when I allow \u201cthe spirit\u201d to move me. The word \u201cinspire\u201d originally meant something like \u201cto breathe\u201d, and I know that I have tweets and notes about the folly of trying to rely on fossilized inspiration<\/a>. It\u2019s like hoping for different weather. It doesn\u2019t work. Not directly. Sometimes if I\u2019m lucky I might encounter some piece of fossilized inspiration from the past that happens to be relevant to my current situation, and that\u2019s always wonderful when it happens. But I can\u2019t count on it happening. Rather, I have to face each moment fresh, anew.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

was reading a thing recently about a successful woman who\u2019s struggling to find romance. And to project my own thoughts and feelings onto a bit of text, I think a lot of the issue is that she seems so compelled to bring up her success when talking about herself. And I have sympathy for that, I imagine it comes from a painful, difficult place. It might be that she was diminished and dismissed when she was younger, and so she needs to prove herself, maybe mainly to<\/em> herself. And she describes men as being intimidated by her \u2013 and there may be a truth to that \u2013 but I wonder, and really again here I\u2019m wondering about myself \u2013 I wonder if really they find her exhausting or tedious to deal with. \u201cThey\u2019re intimidated by my brilliance\u201d can be a great cover story for \u201cI am bad at relating to people in a way that doesn’t lead with me demanding validation for my accolades and accomplishments.” And when you dig deeper into that it gets pretty sad. Which isn\u2019t to say that brilliance isn\u2019t intimidating! I once read someone say<\/a> \u201cIt must have been as difficult as it was wonderful to be Montaigne,\u201d and I think she\u2019s right. But dynamic brilliance learns to manage that difficulty. If you\u2019re so smart, why haven\u2019t you learnt to subvert the process by which people are intimidated by how smart you are?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There\u2019s a great scene in The Dark Knight Rises where Christian Bale\u2019s Bruce Wayne is trying to climb out of a subterranean prison. He previously had his back broken, and nitpickers here might be gleeful in pointing out that there\u2019s no way anybody could recover from a back injury like that from doing pushups and whatnot. But the whole thing is really meant to be symbolic rather than literal. One of the critical messages of that scene is that, to make the leap, to make the climb, the hero has to leave behind the rope that they were carrying with them. They have to arrive \u201cnaked\u201d, unprepared, no rehearsed remarks, no drafts, no list of past successes and accomplishments and accolades. You see this alluded to elsewhere too \u2013 in How To Train Your Dragon, our boy Hiccup has to toss the instructions and trust his intuition in order to enter a symbiotic state with his dragon Toothless.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2731<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I got my first tattoo after publishing my second book, Introspect, when I was 31 years old. I\u2019ve been nerding out about tattoos for many years. I\u2019ve been thinking about the kinds of tattoos I might want to get even since before I was old enough to get one. At the same time, I was a bit of a \u201cperfectionist\u201d, especially knowing that tattoos are permanent, I really wanted my tattoos to be deeply, profoundly meaningful to me. I wanted my tattoos to be talismans. And I know that not everybody feels that way. Some people get a bunch of tattoos just for fun, and I respect their right to make that decision, and I can even see how it might be an excellent decision for them. So it\u2019s hard for me to articulate my general philosophy of tattoos, because it\u2019s more like a dozen stray philosophies in a trenchcoat. They might loosely map onto something like archetypes or MBTI, but I wouldn\u2019t fixate too much on any particular system. Really the point is just to understand that variety is a thing, diversity is a thing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Too little butter scraped over too much bread, is how I feel about a lot of my past drafts. A part of me is tempted to try and recreate all of them from scratch, without looking. But that\u2019s not very strong for me right now. I can respect that sometimes that impulse makes sense, but right now I don\u2019t think so. Right now I\u2019d rather\u2026 go through each thing, summarize it into a bunch of bullet points\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

2024apr29: I think this wants to be a more substantial post about attention. consider my recent conversation with dinesh about focus and epistemology… letting go of preexisting frames and assumptions, being genuinely open and curious 2017feb23 wordvomit (0647) 2019may-thread I never really understood the whole \u201cempty your cup\u201d and \u201cunlearn what you have learned\u201d thing […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[1344],"class_list":["post-13518","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-unsorted","tag-twitter-thread"],"yoast_head":"\n\ud83c\udf75 empty your cup and allow life to surprise you - @visakanv's blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/blog\/empty-your-cup\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"\ud83c\udf75 empty your cup and allow life to surprise you - @visakanv's blog\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"2024apr29: I think this wants to be a more substantial post about attention. consider my recent conversation with dinesh about focus and epistemology… letting go of preexisting frames and assumptions, being genuinely open and curious 2017feb23 wordvomit (0647) 2019may-thread I never really understood the whole \u201cempty your cup\u201d and \u201cunlearn what you have learned\u201d thing […]\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/blog\/empty-your-cup\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"@visakanv's blog\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2019-11-11T08:03:53+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2024-12-26T11:21:59+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Visakan Veerasamy\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@visakanv\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Visakan Veerasamy\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"11 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/blog\/empty-your-cup\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/blog\/empty-your-cup\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Visakan Veerasamy\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/3e6b165830fd1623c501696e0c9efc0f\"},\"headline\":\"\ud83c\udf75 empty your cup and allow life to surprise you\",\"datePublished\":\"2019-11-11T08:03:53+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2024-12-26T11:21:59+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/blog\/empty-your-cup\/\"},\"wordCount\":2501,\"commentCount\":0,\"keywords\":[\"twitter thread\"],\"articleSection\":[\"unsorted\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/blog\/empty-your-cup\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/blog\/empty-your-cup\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/blog\/empty-your-cup\/\",\"name\":\"\ud83c\udf75 empty your cup and allow life to surprise you - @visakanv's blog\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2019-11-11T08:03:53+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2024-12-26T11:21:59+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/3e6b165830fd1623c501696e0c9efc0f\"},\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/blog\/empty-your-cup\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/blog\/empty-your-cup\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/blog\/empty-your-cup\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/blog\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"\ud83c\udf75 empty your cup and allow life to surprise you\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/blog\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/blog\/\",\"name\":\"@visakanv's blog\",\"description\":\"Buy my first book FRIENDLY AMBITIOUS NERD today! 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