I’m frustrated, but not really. I’m a little bit disgusted, although I shouldn’t be. It’s getting harder and harder for me to live with myself and my state of mediocrity. I wish I could explain to you just what it is that I am feeling now- on one hand, I don’t think I have the capacity as a writer to do it justice. (Now this is making me think that it would be wonderful material for writing, but I’m digressing). But I don’t owe you an explanation. Maybe I’m trying to explain it to myself, hoping that if I explain it carefully enough and understand it well enough I can convince myself that it’s not a problem.<\/p>\n
The interesting and ironic bit is, I’m a lot less mediocre in all respects than I was a few months ago- I’m pretty sure that my mind is functioning around at least 70-85% of its max capacity, and I’m physically the fittest I’ve been since I was 16. In both cases, I can probably think of a time where I worked harder and got more satisfying results.<\/p>\n
As an extroverted perceiver, I typically define myself through the external world as I perceive it. I have never before felt my introverted judgement pushing so strongly. I feel like I’m bursting at the seams; that there’s someone inside of me that’s always been quietly sitting there and tolerating everything but finally deciding to wrench control. I know that there should be a balance, you don’t need to tell me that. But I’m almost curious to find out what this second side of me is like.<\/p>\n
I’m in the same place I’ve been for the longest time, but I’ve only just realised that the walls are closing in. I will either break the chains that bind me and grow from the experience, or be crushed.<\/p>\n
It’s terribly exciting and yet rather frightening at the same time. I’ve never allowed myself to be bound before- but perhaps I just never realised that I was all along. I’ve never been crushed before, because I’ve always been able to get back up. The entire battlefield this time is entirely inside my mind- deeper than I have ever dared to reach.<\/p>\n
We’re at the brink. It’s showtime. We shall see.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I’m frustrated, but not really. I’m a little bit disgusted, although I shouldn’t be. It’s getting harder and harder for me to live with myself and my state of mediocrity. I wish I could explain to you just what it is that I am feeling now- on one hand, I… <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9796","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p5gxNz-2y0","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9796","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9796"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9796\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9796"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9796"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9796"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}