Fallen ill- not terribly, terribly ill, but bad enough. I haven’t studied in a week, and I haven’t been to the gym for about 4 days.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The usual cyclic process with me is like this- I get very enthusiastic about something, throw myself into it, and then I fall sick and lose whatever gains I made. This turns me off, and I decide that it was a waste of time and energy. I then fall back into a meaningless, effortless and generally passive state of limbo, which I also justify with arguments that nobody really wants to listen to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I will tell you that I am really glad I retained, because I got the chance to take a break from this pressure cooker and the opportunity to make mistakes that are best made early. I also get the sobering chance to watch everybody else suffer, and prepare myself for it better next year.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Oddly, this motivation never lasts long enough. I think it has to do with the fact that I am a big picture person who sees things like these as trivial- in the long run. On top of which I am quite a hedonist with little discipline, almost always choosing short term pleasure over anything else. (The only exceptions I can think of being my relationship with my ex-girlfriend and my commitment to my band) Thirdly, I have very thick skin and I don’t feel as guilty or ashamed as I often should.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I miss playing bass.
\nI miss being in love.
\nI miss that adrenaline rush of being on stage.
\nI spend 5-6 hours every night online accomplishing nothing.
\nI give in to peer pressure, justifying that it’s a personal choice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dare I say I will change the world, when I have not done much for myself? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Will it be different this time?
\nThere is no one left to blame.
\nThis could get exciting.
\nI hope, <\/p>\n\n\n\n
but hope will not be enough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2731 <\/p>\n\n\n\n
2026jun4 \u2013 very interesting post to dig into\u2013 I describe my fail_loop here: enthusiasm \u2192 illness \u2192 setback \u2192 malaise \u2192 new short-lived motivation, explained away as “i’m a trivialising, ill-disciplined hedonist who doesn’t feel guilt or shame” \u2013 a statement which now clearly seems very wrong-headed<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Fallen ill- not terribly, terribly ill, but bad enough. I haven’t studied in a week, and I haven’t been to the gym for about 4 days. The usual cyclic process with me is like this- I get very enthusiastic about something, throw myself into it, and then I fall sick… <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[627],"class_list":["post-9768","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-revisit"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/s5gxNz-setbacks","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9768","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9768"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9768\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":15009,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9768\/revisions\/15009"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9768"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9768"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9768"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}