XK<\/p>\n
Just want to muse with you
\nhave you ever felt<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
your cock? no<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
that as you attain more experience
\nit’s almost as if\u00a0all the concepts you learn
\nand you were attracted to when you were younger
\njust attain a greater nuance
\nalmost as if what you got out of them\u00a0was a mirage
\nand that there are many many layers<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
sure, greater nuance is a natural thing
\nthat doesn’t make your earlier interpretations a mirage<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
yeah it’s something that always amazes me<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
your cock?
\na better analogy might be- it would be a more coarse map<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
in a very mild way – mostly because i take it for granted<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
your cock?
\n^me too<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
ok…<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
but yes this is entirely the natural order of all things really
\nthe emergence of complexity through reiterated practice
\nthink about how your form improves over the months and years as you do thousands of pushups and dips and muscle ups
\nyour body knows more than you can verbally describe
\nand through this trial and error you gain a nuanced understanding that is progressively deeper, fuller, more complex<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
sometimes even contradictory
\nit’s as if i punch through to someplace deep enough
\ni could have two contradictory ideas of how it might work
\nand still be comfortable with it
\nhard to explain, though<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
contradictions are half limitation and half source of creativity\/insight (both one and the same)
\nall good stuff is emergent from contradiction<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
almost like actual clear boundaries begin to dissolve<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
think about it. name something good in life<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
Love?
\nand since you’re at it
\nmy cock<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
contradiction betweeen self and other
\ncontradiction between body and mind<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
yeah<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
if there is no contradiction
\nthere is no confusion
\nthere is no crucible for growth and art and learning<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
also, regarding your website post about smoking
\ni think i resonate with it on some level
\nit’s almost as if you get bored with a process
\nand then you just move on
\nto another state of being
\nor process
\nor experience
\nit’s kind of like me being depressed and angry. gradually you reach a point when you begin to just get ‘bored’ of it. and the story you’re telling yourself falls away<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
cigarettes genuinely don’t seem to taste as good these days i think it’s the blend or the crops or something
\neveryone i ask agrees with me when they think about it<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
Really
\nthat’s interesting
\nironically by making cigs worse it might just help people quit<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
#conspiracy<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
or it could just be you’ve been smoking waaay too long<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
could be, but my dad’s been smoking 50 years<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
Same
\n30 though
\nmy dad’s younger<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
but yeah i used to have this obsession with systems
\ni still do lah
\nbut i used to obsess with identifying them and naming them and analysing them<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
btw in the hobbit gandalf is smoking in virtually every scene
\ni have an recurring interest in processes<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
i have a recurring interest in everything<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
but i like to see them out of the corner of my eye
\nlike intuitively
\nonly when they keep recurring then i start to label them tentatively
\nit’s like mapping out a territory i keep meandering around and around<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
yep<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
thanks for musing with me<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
what made you think about this<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
sometimes i get brain farts
\njust examining my reactions to things around me
\nhow a lot of the qualities i attached to people, experiences and things
\nare actually self created
\nnot objective
\nand as i change, they change as well<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
Sure
\ni was reading this nice piece about how
\nwe reinvent a book with every read
\nbecause each time we read it we’re at a different stage in our life<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
every memory too, actually<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
yep<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
what’s interesting, though
\nis that as life goes on
\ni feel more and more detached
\nless and less feverish<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
conscientious detachment inspires intense engagement<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
what do you mean<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
the most overwhelming experience of humanity and togetherness and empathy consistently recorded
\nis when humans go to space and see the entire planet as a single entity with their own eyes
\noddly you have to get away from the earth to truly love it
\nsame for home, for parents, for love, for travel
\nyou have to detach yourself from what you love so that you may love it more truly
\n^that statement could be interpreted oversimplistically and lead to fucked up things<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
it’s ok<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
but think of the spirit of the idea rather than interpreting it in a ritualistic dogmatic sense<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
i exercise common sense..usually
\nwhat are your plans these days?
\nthe novel?<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
the novel is a long run thing, quite a big project
\ncan’t write a novel overnight
\nthat’s like the ironman triathalon
\nfirst i must run 5k
\nit has to emerge naturally bottom up rather than be a top-down ordered project, you know what i mean
\ni have to build characters etc one by one<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
Yep
\nbefore i pester you somemore about your plans, which I am genuinely interested in
\ncan I ask you a question which might come across as self-centered<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
sure<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
Visa, I know this can come across as self centered or whatever, but I know\/hope you won’t pull any punches. based on your impression on me, and only your impression (don’t need to add the obvious that there’s limitations to that), what do you think I should work on?<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
which question isn’t
\ni don’t nearly know you well enough to give you a good answer on that
\ni think you’re quite fine the way you are
\nif anything it sometimes seems like you’re a little obsessive about these questions\/inquiry<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
you mean i should ease up a bit? : P<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
i wouldn’t go so far as to assert that
\ni don’t know what is best for you<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
thanks for being honest anyway
\nbut if you ever feel like there’s something in particular that sticks out
\neven if you feel it’s subjective
\nplease let me know, if you remember<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
sure<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
i will do the same for you, but i honestly don’t think i’m playing on the same field as you, since you’ve got entirely different goals
\nand frankly your life situation is just waay too unique for me to judge<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
that’s the case for all of us really
\nwell ok i suppose wrt fitness or musicianship or some specific goal
\nbut in a broader sense, that’s the general case<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
haha yeah i get you
\nyou must get a lot of people like me
\nasking you these kind of questions
\nsince you’ve already put yourself out there<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
not really
\ngot a few here and there
\nbut way fewer than you might think
\nfew enough that i can always respond to them immediately
\nand it is always a joy and a privilege
\nbut yeah, just putting myself out there gives me a competitive advantage you won’t imagine<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
haha yeah i can imagine<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
it’s exciting how
\nyou can leapfrog over people far more talented, hardworking, intelligent, capable, etc etc
\njust because you put yourself out there<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
i guess i get scared of
\nhaving to contradict myself<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
gotta learn to love it<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
because i always feel like i’ll keep growing
\nand that i want to have the freedom to change
\nwithout people having some idea of me
\nthat might be dissonant with who i really am<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
remember my “how to save singapore” debacle<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
hahaha yeah…<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
kena criticize like fuck left right center
\nwell that was awesome
\ni learnt something that day
\nwouldn’t have learnt it if i didn’t put myself out there
\nships are safest in the harbour but that’s not what ships are built for<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
that makes alot of sense
\njust scared of people i don’t even know
\nor who haven’t gotten to know me
\nget the wrong idea<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
they will teach you
\npeople who misinterpret you are there to teach you<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
bro, will you migrate?
\nbecause some of my overseas friends
\ntell me life over there is better
\n(US, Australia etc<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
i will travel
\ndon’t know for sure about perma-migration<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
perhaps it is
\nthey do have a self-serving bias to tell you (and themselves) that though
\nbecause they made a choice and they have to validate it, subconsciously
\nyou know what happens when you go overseas, you become a different person
\nyou become brighter, you ask more questions
\nyou free yourself from your limitations
\nbut you had that option all along<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
also applies to us, though.. i mean i’m really attached to singapore<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
yes it does (that\u2019s what I\u2019m doing about not-going to uni)
\ni think that’s a question that is easy to get carried away by
\nskips a lot of fundamental questions that matter more
\nit’s like asking are you atheist or christian, when it doesn’t matter as long as you’re a good person<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
i see..
\ni guess ultimately i just want to be happy, like you and everyone else
\nand i’m wondering if i’m limiting myself<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
we always are, heh<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
probably pointless<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
nothing is entirely pointless
\ni think it’s good to remind ourselves of the fact, maybe meditate on it for a few minutes
\nthen get up and do stuff<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
Yeah
\naction cleans up a lot of mental clutter<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
we kick up a dust and then complain we cannot see<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
I want to thank you, though
\nfor always being gracious, and also
\nfor what you do<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
i’m not always gracious
\ni have said and done some pretty ungracious things<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
to me you are, i guess<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
don’t pedestal me lol
\npedestal the principles
\npeople are fallible<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
Hahaha
\nsee, haha<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
i will more than likely need you to keep me straight too<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
that’s one of the problems of putting yourself out there
\npeople see things in you
\neven me, lol
\nthanks man, but you got lerping for that lol<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
True, but we could all use all the help we can get
\ni admire his work ethic
\nand i love him as a friend, of course
\nI owe him more than I can ever repay
\nbut i also feel like i need new mentor figures<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
have you found one yet?<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
my favourite people these days are actually sharan and sam<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
how do you go about seeking one? Haha, Yeah I don’t know Sharan well enough, but Sam’s great to confide in too<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
sure i have a whole spectrum of them, though i haven’t really sat down with one in a semi-formal setting
\nsam asks great questions, he’s single-handedly responsible for a lot of my personal growth<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
how do you find mentors? I just stumble onto them<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
ask yourself what you want to do\/achieve
\nthen find out who’s already done it
\nthen ask them for help<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
what questions has he asked
\nif its too personal it’s fine<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
eh i can’t really think of any of the top of my head haha
\nnot so much grand questions
\nmore like in regular conversation
\nhe tends to provide an alternative perspective that i find valuable
\nbut actually i sense after a while i start to get a picture of sam’s general idea and i think i might get “bored” of him too
\nbored is a cruel word
\nbut there’s a period of time when something new captures your imagination and ignites your mind
\nthat for the most part seems like a somewhat limited thing<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
haha i know what you mean<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
technically the excitement is self-created
\nwe pedestal the fuckers
\nthen we resent them when we realize they’re human<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
yes
\nfor relationships bro
\ndoes that happen?
\nhow do you mantain relationships
\nwithout that
\nburning out
\nhow do you manage it
\nnot just on your part
\nbut on the other party’s part<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
i think if you keep looking long and hard enough you eventually may find someone who doesn’t bore you<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
especially if people get disillusioned with YOU
\nwhether it’s as a friend
\nmentor
\nor as a romantic partner (sharan?)<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
i don’t know entirely how to put into words
\nbut i think something that contributes greatly to me and sharan is
\nboth of us saw and have seen and continue to see each other at our worst
\nand we still like each other afterwards<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
ahh<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
so if you have that you protect yourself against disillusionment
\nbecause technically you’re disillusioned all along<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
Hahahaha
\nso the answer is to let it happen
\nand pick up the pieces<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
fight with everybody and see who sticks around to kiss and make up afterwards<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
or rather
\nlet it burn away
\nand see what’s left that’s worth keeping
\nthanks<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
yep i think that’s fairly consistent in all my favourite relationships
\nlerp and sam too
\na commitment to reconciliation<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
Yeah
\ni think life is a process of disillusionment
\nwhich is not as pessimistic as it sounds
\nit’s actually more real<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
yep, that’s the root idea underlying buddhism init
\ndetachment and shiz
\nsee things as they are and love them anyway, bruises and all
\nattraction is only half the game, and it’s the flightier half
\nthe more important half is trust<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
haha yeah
\nthing is, its the fear of disillusionment that holds people back<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
so they treasure their illusions
\nbut there was nothing real to treasure<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
Hmmm
\nnot sure if that’s the best way to put it<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
yeah still trying to work it out<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
i think illusions are just easier and more exciting
\nthe removal of illusion is still the most cathartic and powerful, but it’s hard to actually get to that state<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
can you talk more about trust? the less-flightier part – i think i interrupted your train of thought
\nor also why its hard to remove illusion lol<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
most of us carry too much with us i think
\ntrust is knowing whole-heartedly that
\nfor example if someone offered sharan a million dollars or pointed a gun at her head or something to fuck me up or my life
\ni know that she wouldn’t betray me because she knows i would do the same for her
\nwell ok those are ultra-extreme and improbable conditions and you could bring up the possibility of deception (live today, run away, fight another day)
\nbut the point is that we can have the worst fights if necessary
\nbut still know that we’re both committed to reconcilliation at the end
\nthat there is no “fuck it i’m leaving” moment, because no matter how fucked up things are, fuck it we’re going to make it work<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
how do you get to that point?
\ntrial and error?
\njust go fuck it and let the chips fall where they may?<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
i guess first of all you have to pick a right person
\ni don’t believe in soulmates i think there are lots of people we can love and grow old and die with
\nbut you can’t pick someone altogether incompatible
\nyou need someone you share the same values with
\ni think for people like us, the pool of eligible individuals might be 5% or less
\ni have made it a point to surround myself with such people though, n_n being an example of such an attempt i think
\nhaving found such a person you then need lots of shared experiences
\nspecifically you need traumatic experiences
\nyou learn nothing real from a thousand years of coffee dates<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
Haha
\nbut traumatic experiences are thrust upon you
\nyou can’t seek them out, right?<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
true, you can’t exactly seek them out
\nseeking them out would be a bit morbid
\ni suppose a weak substitute is
\ntalk about it<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
haha, not to mention weird<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
technically that’s what we do what right, when we run marathons etc
\nwell you could embark on some sort of creative endeavour together, form a band, travel together, something that forces you to work together
\nit’s the working partnership that matters<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
yes<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
say “let’s do something”, then do it
\nand if it fails, discuss the failure
\nall learning is the discussion of failure<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
at the end of the day i think you’re asking, how do i judge a person’s character
\nand that’s a question i honestly don’t have enough life experience to answer
\nor rather
\nit’s a question we spend our whole lives learning to answer<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
how do i judge
\nthrough time and adversity?
\nok got it<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
a 80 year old guy might smile at a 60 year old guy’s failure at it
\ngot some really wise and learned men out there who misjudge people
\nbut i think… fire in a person’s eyes is unmistakeable
\nwhat i love most about sharan is how fervently she gets pissed off and upset about the things she really cares about
\nthat sort of fire you can’t fake<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
haha yeah
\ni kind of lost my sense of outrage, though
\ni don’t know where it went
\ncomes back only sporadically<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
that’s fine you can’t entirely control these things<\/p>\n
XK<\/p>\n
cheers bro
\ni’m going to bed soon
\nhaha
\nthanks for the engaging talk<\/p>\n
VV<\/p>\n
np, anytime
\ndont’ think too highly of me i’m just another cockanathan<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
XK Just want to muse with you have you ever felt VV your cock? no XK that as you attain more experience it’s almost as if\u00a0all the concepts you learn and you were attracted to when you were younger just attain a greater nuance almost as if what you got… <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[23],"tags":[116],"class_list":["post-6244","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reflections","tag-conversations-2"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p5gxNz-1CI","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6244","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6244"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6244\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":10066,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6244\/revisions\/10066"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6244"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6244"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6244"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}