{"id":1627,"date":"2011-03-01T18:14:58","date_gmt":"2011-03-01T18:14:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/visaisahero.wordpress.com\/?p=1627"},"modified":"2015-02-18T17:14:14","modified_gmt":"2015-02-18T17:14:14","slug":"conversation-doubt","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/2011\/03\/01\/conversation-doubt\/","title":{"rendered":"conversation- doubt"},"content":{"rendered":"
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so ever since like a few weeks after i enlisted<\/div>\n
i’ve been keeping track of my life, which i never bothered doing properly before<\/div>\n
and it’s been awesome, everything’s been getting a lot better<\/div>\n
i’ve managed to find creative solutions to most of my recurring problems and stuff like that, generally everything is improving in every imaginable way<\/div>\n
i no longer feel like existentialist melancholy or other evil-painful things<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a> <\/p>\n
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“keeping track” is so vague<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a> <\/p>\n
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every little detail you can imagine<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a> <\/p>\n
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i keep careful control, but it implodes once in aw hile<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a> <\/p>\n
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i don’t keep CONTROL<\/div>\n
i just keep track<\/div>\n
the control happens almost naturally, subconsciously<\/div>\n
what gets measured gets managed<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a> <\/p>\n
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“keeping track” of every little detail… that’s not living is it<\/div>\n
live and let live<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a> <\/p>\n
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it doesn’t take much effort!<\/div>\n
like 5-10 minutes a day<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a> <\/p>\n
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still too much effort<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a> <\/p>\n
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and it adds a lot of value to my life because I no longer have extended periods of emptiness where i don’t know hat happened<\/div>\n
I do have some periods of emptiness but they’re nice\/pleasant\/meaningful<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a> <\/p>\n
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i have my writing to gain insight<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a> <\/p>\n
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i write too! I write even more, now<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a> <\/p>\n
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big picture, everything connected etc<\/div>\n
instead of small details<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a> <\/p>\n
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the small details start to fade away in the long term trends<\/div>\n
i’ve managed to break away from narrative fallacies that I used to use to explain everything<\/div>\n
it was the hardest thing to start doing, i’m naturally an improvisational don’t give a fuck type guy<\/div>\n
my main motivation was NOT to feel like my 2 years in NS is\/was a waste of my time<\/div>\n
what do you do when you have absolute freedom?<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a> <\/p>\n
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whatever i feel like<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a> <\/p>\n
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like what<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a> <\/p>\n
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we DO have absolute freedom, we just don’t realize it often enough<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a> <\/p>\n
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yes precisely<\/div>\n
I mean you could look at it from many ways and describe it in many ways but essentially we have far more control and choice than we realise<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a> <\/p>\n
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i know<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a> <\/p>\n
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a painful realisation for me was to acknowledge that for all my loathing of routines and structure<\/div>\n
I actually was keeping to a very rigid one in absence of conscious ones<\/div>\n
my subconscious led me into making the same decisions over and over again,into the same situations, same old same old<\/div>\n
he who cannot obey himself will be commanded<\/div>\n
by forces beyond his control, be it from within or without<\/div>\n
so I wasn’t cool with that, once i came aware of it (by keeping track)<\/div>\n
anyway<\/div>\n
long story short I’ve pretty much become a far more awesome person than I was a year ago, and I can see how I’m going to become far more awesome in the future (awesome being a summarization of a whole bunch of skills and ideas and perceptions and blah blah good stuff)<\/div>\n
but<\/div>\n
as a result of all this I’ve found myself a bit less tolerant of some of my friends, a bit more anxious, eager, impatient<\/div>\n
i don’t know how to describe it because while I say anxious, I’m more at peace now than I ever was<\/div>\n
at the same time I guess I have an increasingly acute sense of awareness when something is a waste of time<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a> <\/p>\n
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superiority complex perhaps?<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a> <\/p>\n
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and I am the sort to never think of anything as a waste of time<\/div>\n
there’s always something you can learn, always something you can experience, figure out, see in a new way<\/div>\n
no leh in fact I feel far less superior now than I used to<\/div>\n
I increasingly feel like that there’s no such thing as natural talent, or that I’m in any way better than anyone else<\/div>\n
I used to think I was some big fuck seriously omg<\/div>\n
I got it; what I feel above all else is out-of-context<\/div>\n
I need a frame of reference<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a> <\/p>\n
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the\u00a0past<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a> <\/p>\n
02:11 <\/p>\n
I mean I am more than what I was, at least I think I am, though I have my doubts of course<\/div>\n
Godels theorem!<\/div>\n
i cannot prove myself within the context of myself<\/div>\n
there are errors inherent in self-referencing<\/div>\n
I cannot know if I am making up stuff to make myself feel good or bad<\/div>\n
I cannot be aware of my own subconscious deception, intense scrutiny nothwithstanding<\/div>\n
an easier way would be to find someone else who’s been through something similar<\/div>\n
(i’m sorry I’m making you listen to all this and pretend that you care)<\/div>\n
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i dont have much response to external things, especially now since my internal workings have ceased to be of any good to myself<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n
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ouch<\/div>\n
how did that happen<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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i dont know<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n
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jialat.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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it’s good actually. i breeze through a days being indifferent<\/div>\n
maybe it’s the weather. cold as ice.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n
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I enjoy moments like that sometimes<\/div>\n
the other day I was staying in camp alone<\/div>\n
so peaceful<\/div>\n
not a soul around<\/div>\n
vast empty space and intense solitude<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n
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yeah it’s like it here most of the time<\/div>\n
especially when i’m alone at home<\/div>\n
i like the two extremes. very silent or very chaotic when we have parties<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n
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I also like kopi<\/div>\n
I’m a very kopi person<\/div>\n
about 4-6 people, less than 4 needs solid conversationalists, not easy to find<\/div>\n
i often wonder if partying has a dehumanizing effect<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n
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life has a dehumanizing effect<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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hahaha<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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most of the time<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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not intrinsically though<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n
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what does it even mean to be “human” anyway<\/div>\n
we’re all basically aninams<\/div>\n
animals<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n
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okay I can expand this<\/div>\n
I would choose to include monkeys and dolphins and it’ll stil be valid<\/div>\n
a sense of individual worth and relevance in context to the larger social unit<\/div>\n
so when I say dehumanizing i mean like, de-facing<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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i dont have much individual worth<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n
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I’m very torn on the subject<\/div>\n
i can argue for a lot of different positions and i’m not fully convinced by many<\/div>\n
what is the self, what is consciousness? difficult questions that both seem to be leading towards non-entities- which make sense but seem contrary to intuition and experience<\/div>\n
so I suppose in the CONTEXT of intuition and experience, the self can exist, and matter, even if it doesn’t in reality, because as long as we are creatures of intuition and experience then the concept is still relevant (at least within that context)<\/div>\n
kinda like how we’re typing on interfaces that are actually comprised of bits and ones and zeroes<\/div>\n
so do we have value as individual? we can choose to if we want to in the context of our experience<\/div>\n
I’m pushed towards thinking that if it has to get so complicated, there must be a flaw in the question\/premises<\/div>\n
and that I think drawing lines between individuals is the first mistake we make<\/div>\n
I am me and you are you, physically, yes, sure, it’s obvious<\/div>\n
but almost all of us are more than ourselves in one way or another, in many ways, really, and we are the sum of many things, and ultimately there’s no such thing as an individual to begin with<\/div>\n
so again, can we have individual worth<\/div>\n
i would not make sense outside of the context of the whole, the way a wave does not make sense outside of the context of the ocean<\/div>\n
so what is the worth of a wave? its contribution to the ocean, in a sense<\/div>\n
and perhaps similarly the value of a human being is his or her contribution to humanity- and by that I don’t mean like inventing something or writing a book or being a politician or whatever<\/div>\n
but living, speaking, thinking, processing, acting, being, becoming<\/div>\n
ah well.<\/div>\n
does that make sense?<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n
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i guess<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n
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kinda like<\/div>\n
bees, or ants, but far more complex times many many<\/div>\n
I was reading this beautiful description by a biologist of language as a living organism<\/div>\n
and how people build it and put it together, fervently, with abandon, subconsciously, unintentionally<\/div>\n
some people jump at this and go “omg we’re a hive mind working towards a singularity”<\/div>\n
but I think it’s a bit more rich and complex and beautiful than that and I get a lot of pleasure out of contemplating it, it’s almost spiritual<\/div>\n
this idea of a kind of almost divine order and complexity that begins to arise out of simple patterns and deviations and sheer randomness<\/div>\n
i struggle to express\/convey that, though. I’d love to, if I could, and I ought to. That would be something.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n
02:39<\/p>\n
write it down<\/div>\n
copy and paste<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

so ever since like a few weeks after i enlisted i’ve been keeping track of my life, which i never bothered doing properly before and it’s been awesome, everything’s been getting a lot better i’ve managed to find creative solutions to most of my recurring problems and stuff like that,… <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[23],"tags":[116],"class_list":["post-1627","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reflections","tag-conversations-2"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p5gxNz-qf","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1627","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1627"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1627\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":10076,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1627\/revisions\/10076"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1627"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1627"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1627"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}