{"id":14284,"date":"2018-11-30T06:45:00","date_gmt":"2018-11-30T06:45:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/?p=14284"},"modified":"2024-06-27T06:48:07","modified_gmt":"2024-06-27T06:48:07","slug":"1000wv-adulthood","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/2018\/11\/30\/1000wv-adulthood\/","title":{"rendered":"1000wv: adulthood"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

0093 \u2013 transitioning to adulthood, maladjustment<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was doing some reading (blog.asmartbear.com today) But then a swarm of schoolkids boarded the train. I can\u2019t actually tell if they\u2019re primary school kids or secondary school kids. Probably lower sec.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They came in as a tsunami of noise, crashing through the train of quiet, weary adults. It\u2019s 11:42 in the morning. They\u2019re laughing, screaming, joking. The contrast between them and the adults is staggering. The kids are full of life and energy. They alight at Bishan- I\u2019m switching trains. Several boys race each other up the stairs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve been meaning to write something about my transition from school to NS to work, but I\u2019m not sure if I\u2019ve actually published anything. I wonder if there\u2019s a gap of knowledge there, because nothing really prepared me for this. What is \u201cthis\u201d? Whatever it is that distinguishes me from the kids. Because I was one of them. I was a noisy rambunctious kid. I still am sometimes, in some contexts, but something must have changed for me to now look at them with a tinge of annoyance. They\u2019re like a different species. When did I transition?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[…]<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Nothing in the first 22 years of my life really prepared me for what a mortgage feels like over your head. That\u2019s over 100 months of work. About 10 years of non-stop work with no money for food, living, etc. The loan is technically 30 years. I\u2019m almost done with the first. 29 years more to go.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

0163 \u2013 Turning 24, my problems have not changed<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

“What have I learnt? I think the most important thing is that you have to make time for stuff that matters to you<\/strong>. When I was a teenager I could count on randomness and serendipity because I has fewer commitments. But now I have a job, I have a daily commute to work. I have less space for randomness. Randomness is insufficient at giving me what I want. I have to schedule. I have to set aside time purposefully- dates with the wife, coffee with old friends, time for reading, time for exercise. I mistakenly believed as a kid that life would turn out fine if I just followed my nose and did whatever I felt like doing at any given time. The problem is that starting on the good stuff is always tedious. I very, very rarely find myself in the gym on a whim. I have to commit to it in advance. Same for reading books, same for dates with the wife. So my central challenge seems to be to manage my time better. I’ve read a lot of literature about this in the past, so I’m familiar with the plethora of options that exist. What’s hard is starting.<\/strong>“<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“I’ve come to believe that the most important thing to do is to describe reality as accurately as possible, with the most precision you can muster. (And work into that model the assumption that you’re probably wrong about a bunch of things to some degree, in a way that you do not realize.) I borrowed this lens from my boss, and I used it initially as a sort of auxillary lens. Over time I’ve found that it’s been of great help to me, so it’s quickly becoming my primary lens.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“My problems have not changed. I have been talking about the need for focus and routine sincw 2009, perhaps earlier- maybe even 2007. These aren’t new realisations. This has been a recurring problem. And the first thing about recurring problems is that they can’t be solved simply, just by taking a single action at the surface level of the problem. Perhaps there may be a one-step solution, but it’s buried at a deeper level. (Ie if you end up smoking because your friends smoke, you can’t just say no once. You have to say no every single time. The one-step solution might be to leave the country permanently. That sort of thing. Simple doesn’t mean easy or cheap.)”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

0240 \u2013 destroy your limiting beliefs about food<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

“I had a really emotional moment a month ago when I was eating chicken rice at the nearby coffeeshop on my day off. I realized that\u2026 I\u2019m an independent person, a pattern in space-time trying to sustain itself, feed itself. And I\u2019m doing okay, you know? Life often seems to me like a series of failures\u2013 every success is just a stepping stone to the next failure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And I was dependent on my parents for that when I was a kid, entirely dependent. Parents, fast food, hawker fare. And I didn\u2019t know how to prepare my own food, apart from toasting bread and eating it with peanut butter, or cheese. That was really the limit of my ability to prepare food for myself, and because of that I was bored really quickly and didn\u2019t eat all that much.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But now that I\u2019m an \u201cadult\u201d\u2013 married, working, paying off a flat, I can and should start thinking about how to feed myself in a sustainable, suitable way that makes sense for me. The idea that I\u2019ll never eat healthy, that I\u2019ll never be able to prepare my own food, that I\u2019ll never be able to take care of myself\u2013 all of those are incredibly painful, frustrating limiting beliefs that have no place in my life. If they were ever valid, I\u2019ve outgrown them. Things like my parents worrying that I\u2019d hurt myself or burn myself in the kitchen\u2013 I\u2019m not even sure if those worries were real, but they\u2019re certainly not valid anymore. I\u2019m entirely capable of teaching myself to use knives, to use fire, to use pots and pans to cook and prepare food. And I like to think that I\u2019m a person with taste, so I do believe that over time I\u2019ll actually prepare meals that are fun and interesting.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

0277 \u2013 adulthood is about learning to parent yourself<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

“I guess that\u2019s it. It\u2019s all about managing my own psychology. And it can\u2019t be all about Big Bad Me giving all these angry directives and orders to myself\u2013 my subconscious simply scoffs at that and punishes it for me behind my back. The really is a boss\/management\/organization thing going on inside the head, and it\u2019s very humbling to realize that your subconscious team doesn\u2019t belong to you, won\u2019t simply do as it\u2019s told, needs motivation and cajoling and appreciation and all of the things that regular folks need in the context of larger organizations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I suppose an interesting side-thought might be\u2013 where do people learn how to manage their inner selves, who do they learn it from, and why am I so deficient? I went from total non-management at some point (I think\u2026) to an attempted strict-abusive type management, as though that was going to make up for all the years of neglect.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“When I represent this in a parent\/child setting, it becomes so clear that it\u2019s bad and wrong. You shouldn\u2019t give a child free reign and give in to his whining and worries and concerns\u2013 you need to be stable and strong and firm around him. And at the same time you need to be honest, and you need to play with him, give him attention, celebrate him. Enjoy him. You can\u2019t go from free reign to suddenly becoming a prison warden. He will hurt, and he will resent you, and your relationship will sour and both of you will have a terrible time. I think this has been going on inside my head for a couple of years now and the byproduct is really toxic.

My parents did their best for me with what they had, with what they could. They gave me some things I really appreciate, but they also left me, shall we say, opportunities for self-improvement.

I\u2019m on my own now, and it\u2019s up to me. I can\u2019t depend on others for it\u2013 that\u2019s just passing the buck. The buck stops with me, and I have to figure this shit out.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

0278 \u2013 parent yourself<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

“The point is\u2013 I should learn to parent myself. I should acknowledge that that is my current role in life. Manager of self, Parent of self. I have to listen to me, figure out what my wants and motivations and desires are, pay attention to subtle non-verbal cues, all of that good stuff. And I have to acknowledge that I have been very presumptuous when it comes to myself. All of my criticism of parents in general\u2013 my own and of others\u2013 apply to me too, with regards to myself. I allow other people\u2019s ideas and perspectives to color my own ideas and perspectives about what my child (me) wants. I ought to be paying more close attention to myself.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“That\u2019s it\u2013 as with predatory thinking, as with how to win friends and influence people, my problem has been that I don\u2019t treat myself as a person with interests and needs and desires and curiosities. I simply attempt to impose my will on Me, as though I have the right to speak on behalf of Myself.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“So I have more reason to listen and meditate now. It\u2019s not just about staring into space, it\u2019s about allowing the repressed little boy inside of me to come out and play, that I might listen to him and be a better parent.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[1] I realize that \u201cYoung Adult\u201d, because of \u201cYoung Adult Novels\u201d, typically refers to people from ages 14-20 or so. I\u2019m 25. When I say Young Adult, I guess I\u2019m contrasting that with \u201cFull Adult\u201d\u2013 which I suppose I reserve for people with more responsiblities, people with children, people who have experienced real hardships in their lives like cancer and miscarriages and elderly parents. I feel like I\u2019m not really an adult until I have to deal with all of that. But from a \u201c14-20 Young Adult\u201d perspective, I\u2019m someone who\u2019s married, who has a full time job, who has a mortgage and bills to pay. That\u2019s more than most of my colleagues, actually. So the whole thing is a bit of a clusterfuck, and makes you realize how the terms we use are very loaded and \u2018poisonous\u2019 \u2013 not necessarily bad, but they influence and shape our thinking far more than we ever realize.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

0395 \u2013 procrastination as Parent vs Child breakdown<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Another thing is fear. And fear is a primal response, but it\u2019s also this really complex multifaceted thing. Different people experience fear in different contexts and to different degrees in different ways. I\u2019m reminded of Chris Hadfield\u2019s TED talk about fear, about being an astronaut, and about deliberately reprogramming your brain by walking through spider webs, for example. Procrastinators have a certain fear of certain kinds of work\u2013 we associate those things with intensely painful or negative thoughts, and so we avoid them altogether. There\u2019s a great post about this on LessWrong called \u201cUgh Fields\u201d which I think captures it very well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Another thing is a breakdown of communication between Parent and Child. Very often procrastination is the Child failing to do what the Parent is ordering to do. From the Parent\u2019s point of view, this is the failing of the Child. The Child is bad, naughty, lousy, petulant, needs disciplining and punishment and such. Needs systems, orders, structure. This can sometimes work out, but more often than not the Parent first needs to truly listen to the Child and understand the Child\u2019s needs and concerns and fears and such, and work WITH the child rather than try to WORK the child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

0424 \u2013 the yin-yang nature of our inner child and parent<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m thinking about what it means to be an adult, and what it means to be a child, and I\u2019ve been trying to revisit what it felt like to be younger. I look for clues in my writing and in old videos and pictures, and in old comments and statuses on Facebook. It\u2019s really obvious to me now how much I sought the approval of others. I still do, obviously, and I probably always will, but it was a much more intense ache of sorts then.<\/strong> I wasn\u2019t doing very well in school after my early success, and maybe I needed to prove to myself in some way that I wasn\u2019t a total fuckup\u2013 that my fuckups were intentional and by choice, and that I could still get people to acknowledge my greatness and superiority in the spaces that I chose. So all was well, eh?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s all so silly on hindsight. And I\u2019m sure I will be looking back on today and think that I\u2019m being silly right now, too, in ways that I cannot even perceive yet. Probably for spending so much time thinking and writing and deliberating<\/strong>. Previously I was performing to others. Now I\u2019m performing to myself. Solitude adds a certain honesty to writing and thinking, which is good [2], but I think there\u2019s something beyond that\u2026 which is action, obviously. I should be taking a lot more action each day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m still bumbling around, I\u2019m still meandering, I\u2019m still waiting for all my wounds to heal and for all my soreness to fade before I start taking massive action. But I know intellectually that the soreness never completely fades. The athlete has to play hurt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So about the passage of time, adulthood and childhood. I\u2019m thinking about Einstein, and how he accomplished his greatness by focusing a child-like curiosity upon physics with an adult\u2019s persistence and focus. Same for all sorts of high-performing innovator type folks that I really love. Take Da Vinci, for instance. He was clearly highly proficient, but he also had that child-like sense of wonder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People tend to talk about this in a very simplistic sense\u2026 I don\u2019t often hear people talking about how HARD it is. To simultaneously be a child and an adult. When you\u2019re sick of being an adult, it\u2019s tempting to be completely childlike\u2013 to be irresponsible, short-sighted, pleasure-seeking. When you get burnt one too many times from childlike curiosity, play and exploration, it\u2019s tempting to be \u2018completely adult\u2019\u2013 that is, straitlaced, dreary, boring.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The good stuff comes from doing both at the same time, being both at the same time, embodying the best of both worlds in a constant yin-yang fashion. Being at once the artist and the manager. Discipline with joy, curiosity with focus, wonder with verification, awe with persistence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

0448 \u2013 parents, peers and other benevolent plagues<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When adults treat children like people, with their own minds and interests and curiosities. Encouraging them to explore their OWN interests, not just what Daddy wishes he was good at as a child. The parent or authority\u2019s job isn\u2019t to decide for the child outright, but to provide an environment and context in which the child can explore and learn and grow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And here a bunch of nice pictures come into my mind. Kahlil Gibran\u2013 \u201cYour children are not your children \/ They are the sons and daughters of Life\u2019s longing for itself.\u201d<\/a> A Truly Great teacher who really cares\u2013 the teachers that everybody remembers their whole lives. A football coach and his heartfelt pep talk. That darkroom scene<\/a> in Boyhood with the photography teacher. All of Good Will Hunting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you have a young person in your life, pay full attention to them and ask them what they\u2019re interested in. And it\u2019s genuinely interesting! Every person is a glorious kaleidoscope of curiosities, shaped by unique perceptions and perspectives. You\u2019ll see the universe in their eyes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And the scary, terrible thing is that these things can be really fragile. A few dismissive sentences can crush it outright. (ZenPencils: Kevin Smith \u2013 It costs nothing to encourage an artist<\/a>) So you have to be really gentle with people\u2019s dreams. Never tell them that they\u2019re stupid or wrong. Just ask them if they\u2019ve thought about X, if they\u2019ve thought about Y, and so on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

AND really, this applies just as much to adults too, just that we tend to take a little longer because we\u2019ve often internalized a lot of BS over the years and we forget what we care about.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, what do YOU want to do with this precious, fleeting life? I\u2019m all ears.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

0093 \u2013 transitioning to adulthood, maladjustment I was doing some reading (blog.asmartbear.com today) But then a swarm of schoolkids boarded the train. I can\u2019t actually tell if they\u2019re primary school kids or secondary school kids. Probably lower sec. They came in as a tsunami of noise, crashing through the train… <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[612],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-14284","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-meta"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p5gxNz-3Io","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14284","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=14284"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14284\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":14285,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14284\/revisions\/14285"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=14284"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=14284"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=14284"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}