{"id":14028,"date":"2023-12-29T09:25:11","date_gmt":"2023-12-29T09:25:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/?p=14028"},"modified":"2024-03-07T18:46:50","modified_gmt":"2024-03-07T18:46:50","slug":"dadposting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/2023\/12\/29\/dadposting\/","title":{"rendered":"dadposting"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

transcribing.a series of twitter threads i’ve written reflecting on being a dad<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

feeding my kid at 5am sets off a series of thoughtfeels that brings me back to being 12, being in singapore\u2019s gifted education program, being the only tamil\/brown kid around as far as i can remember, and being told that my failure would be a disappointment to my entire community<\/p>\n\n\n\n

the stress i was under then was immense, crushing, annihilating. it really seemed like all the adults in my life- my family, my teachers, my government, my country – conspired to make me as miserable as possible. it\u2019s so weird to talk about but it\u2019s the truth of how it felt to me<\/p>\n\n\n\n

sometimes people ask me ~\u201chow are you able to post your thoughts so publicly so freely\u201d and the truth of it is quite grotesque\u2013 it\u2019s that i was always subjected to overwhelming scrutiny in every room i was in. took me ~25 years of corroboration to feel confident in my assessment<\/p>\n\n\n\n

like in many ways it was<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cbut they\u2019ll kill you!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201ci am already dead\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

i was a v dramatic child yeah but my life circumstances incited and catalyzed that drama<\/p>\n\n\n\n

i remember being a silly lil guy when i was 8; everything changed when i passed that cursed test<\/p>\n\n\n\n

but here\u2019s the hilarious twist to it all: i met my wife there. and we made this lil guy<\/a>. i will do everything i can to protect and nurture and encourage him in all the ways i wasn\u2019t<\/p>\n\n\n\n

II.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I was never really an animal person growing up. I was more into books, video games, music. I liked the idea of a pet maybe, but I knew it would be a lot of responsibility, and I knew I was a pretty irresponsible kid. also i think i has this sense that\u2026 \u201canimals are dumb\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

i used to hang out at the void deck of a friend\u2019s place, and sometimes a stray cat would come hang out with us. i developed some fondness for that cat, but it felt sort of superficial. like friendly relations with a shopkeeper, maybe. trivial niceties, pleasant but immaterial<\/p>\n\n\n\n

after i got married, one day a neighborhood cat followed us home. i remember thinking, this fella seems really attuned to us. like he\u2019s really\u2026 paying attention to us. i felt compelled to take him in and we quickly developed a real kinship<\/p>\n\n\n\n

somehow we ended up with a 2nd cat too. i\u2019ve learned so much from them. i learned to be patient, i relearned to be irreverent, i learned to pay attention to their subtle non-verbal cues. turns out pets have this whole universe of subtlety to them i never even perceived as a kid<\/p>\n\n\n\n

my two cats have entirely different personalities, interests, inclinations, moods\u2026 i would never have guessed it as a kid, but I could now probably happily spend years just observing and getting to know cats, studying them, befriending them, getting to know them<\/p>\n\n\n\n

but this is not actually a thread about cats, this is a thread about parenting every single thing ive learned from and about my cats applies here too. as a kid i didnt see how babies were interesting or fun. they just seemed like piles of poop and shrieks and responsibility<\/p>\n\n\n\n

i now spend hours every day just paying attention to my newborn son, attuning with him, listening to his sounds, watching his face, his gestures, and it\u2019s all so fascinating to me. every moment i feel like i\u2019m learning something important about him\u2013 and by extension, myself<\/p>\n\n\n\n

i do still remember what it was like to be relatively uninterested in babies. i think most of it was just that i had more pressing interests. eg when i hit puberty, i temporarily lost interest in books (lifelong passion!) because girls, peers and rock bands were more compelling<\/p>\n\n\n\n

and i think that\u2019s normal, and good. one day my son will lose interest in sitting around with me all day and that too is normal and good<\/p>\n\n\n\n

III.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Witnessing lil baby *beginning to understand* things, reacting to things, following his eyes, there’s something very profound about it that’s hard to articulate. it’s like a minor form of beholding the dawn of creation. I get to witness a world being created from scratch<\/p>\n\n\n\n

there’s something so intimate about it. it’s fair to say this is already the most intimate experience of my life. you can microdose it by hanging out with kids, and I do recommend that, and\u2014 full immersion is a different story because you get to be there as *all* of it unfolds<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’ve always been interested in people for as long as I can remember, and studying people has always been challenging\u2013 first because people are complicated, but also because it’s kind of rude and socially inappropriate to examine people. so you have to use all sorts of proxies…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

but when it’s your own child, not only is it allowed, it’s highly encouraged! you can look at their little faces and bodies all day and watch them process every experience. newborns sometimes smile a beatific beam of satisfaction when they fart. there’s so much to learn<\/p>\n\n\n\n

there’s a buildup to the breaking point of crying, and if you’re watching them closely enough you can notice it happening and actually intervene before it happens<\/p>\n\n\n\n

my child has absolutely no tension in his neck and shoulders etc yet- it’s all softness, and there’s something about encountering softness that inspires and begets softness in me as well. you could say i’ve meditated more in the last week than in any preceding month of my life<\/p>\n\n\n\n

it doesn’t feel appropriate to share pictures on main but i have all these lovely photos of his face in all sorts of expressions: quizzical, grumpy, wary, tormented, blissful, satisfied. again, he’s not even 2 weeks old and there’s all this rich complexity to discern, encourage<\/p>\n\n\n\n

it’s becoming increasingly clear to me that while my wife and i are going to be providing support n scaffolding for this lil guy to survive, he is going to be teaching us a lot that we have forgotten\/suppressed about what it means to want and not-want<\/p>\n\n\n\n

IV.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

i now get to confidently say things like \u201ceven newborn babies have internal conflicts\u201d. part of me always suspected this but now i have intimate firsthand knowledge. there\u2019s something liberating about this<\/p>\n\n\n\n

somewhere along the way i think (another) part of me developed this idea: children are born innocent and pure and simple. society gets in our heads and fucks us up. until we return to pure idyllic bliss and clarity, we are fallen, lost, etc<\/p>\n\n\n\n

this is half-useful and half-torment. it *is* partially true and i have a whole bunch of notes and anecdotes that support the above narrative. its not wrong, it\u2019s just incomplete<\/p>\n\n\n\n

the enlightened return-to-childhood mature adult isnt free from internal conflicts, perfectly fearless and unfazed etc. they are free from *illusions* about their conflicts. they are free from the pretense of idyll. they are free to be tense without being tense about being tense<\/p>\n\n\n\n

my son helped me see this and has given me the gift of release. even more tension has melted from my face when i realize its ok to not be ok. i hope my writing might be able to pass some of this gift on to others in turn<\/p>\n\n\n\n

V.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

i went to dinner with a couple of old friends yesterday and someone said, i paraphrase, \u201cyou seem remarkably well-rested for a parent of a newborn\u201d. i said thanks, my secret is that my sleep has been fucking terrible my whole life to begin with, lol<\/p>\n\n\n\n

also, a newborn for me gives me incredible clarity of purpose. what does he need? gotta feed him, burp him, change his diapers, roughly every 3 hours. it\u2019s challenging and disruptive sure but its *meaningful*. i\u2019m *happy* to do it, even if i\u2019m bleary-eyed half-asleep doing it<\/p>\n\n\n\n

honestly i\u2019ve had internet arguments more frustrating than being woken up by a screaming infant every few hours. that\u2019s right, some of you are more annoying even through the screen. this lil guy at least eventually stops screaming<\/p>\n\n\n\n

every day (and in the middle of every night lol) i wake up and i get to be of service to my wife and child. its a test of my temperance and grace. every day i find myself in a meditative state where i am to renegotiate what\u2019s really important to me. it\u2019s a spiritual experience<\/p>\n\n\n\n

i love him more every day as i get to know him better, as we develop a shared understanding . i love my wife more every day as i witness her being my lil guy\u2019s mom. i love myself more every day witnessing all of this. for me it\u2019s less a sudden burst and more like growing tendrils<\/p>\n\n\n\n

i\u2019d mentally rehearsed for sth much worse than what i\u2019m going through. i find myself laughing all the time. a baby is such an intrinsically funny creature. its a tiny guy who lives in your house but he\u2019s small and tripping balls and loves boobs. its hilarious!! maybe im delirious<\/p>\n\n\n\n

when i see the peace and absence of tension on my son\u2019s face while he sleeps on my chest i realize i am a sanctuary, a wellspring, a tree with deep roots. he trusts me so completely. it is a profound honor<\/p>\n\n\n\n

VI.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

fatherhood continues to be the most fascinating experience of my life. day by day, i get to witness \u201cnew systems coming online\u201d \u2013 he has marginally more grip strength now, more responsive to words, making more eye contact, becoming more opinionated, establishing personhood<\/p>\n\n\n\n

in the first 2 weeks it felt like the thing that soothed him most was me pressing him against me. now it\u2019s starting to seem like sometimes he likes it more when i let him slide off me and sorta just hang out beside me. little sproutings of sovereignty and autonomy<\/p>\n\n\n\n

caring for him is caring for me. its a fresh education in attentiveness and responsiveness, to limits and satiety. even watching him get progressively more hungry and then slowly get full as he feeds is so instructive. there are sweet spots & goldilocks zones in everything<\/p>\n\n\n\n

as hunger grows, there\u2019s a period of time where he seems increasingly alert, and he seems to try to communicate with us with his eyes and mouth. he gets increasingly frenetic with this, and eventually it crosses a threshold where it\u2019s all too much for him and he starts wailing<\/p>\n\n\n\n

the moment feeding starts, he\u2019s able to completely relinquish all the tension in his face and body to focus on feeding. it\u2019s kind of spooky how sudden and dramatic the shift is. and he is very focused initially. but after a while, this starts to trail off and he loses interest<\/p>\n\n\n\n

and as i witness all of this i just find myself thinking, of course. of course everything is like this. i\u2019m like this too. thank you son for reminding me. i could stand to be more attentive to the waxing and waning of my own interests and disinterests, desires and discomforts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s funny- i started writing this thread when he slid off me, and i thought to myself \u201cgosh he\u2019s becoming independent so fast\u201d. but by the end of the thread he started crying and grasping for me so now he\u2019s back on me again :\u2019)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

here too, cycles in everything, freedom vs security<\/p>\n\n\n\n

SLEEP SIDETHREAD<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3 weeks in, my sleep as a newborn-parent who wakes up every couple of hours is actually better than my sleep was as a teenager, or my sleep when i was working on my 2nd book. funnily i would describe both of those eras as me parenting myself<\/p>\n\n\n\n

i was chainsmoking cigarettes& chugging coffee\/redbull, my entire nervous system was fried to shit and i still couldnt sleep, body felt like it was being carpet bombed with cortisol. wake up feeling 5% batt now im bleary-eyed but joyful and i enjoy the fragmented sleep i do get<\/p>\n\n\n\n

the hard thing both about teenhood and working on my book- and the third thing would be my depression around age 24\/25\u2013 is the sense that i couldnt know if i was doing the right thing. was i wasting my life? was i setting myself up for greater failure and disappointment?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

whereas with a newborn kid its comparatively so clear what the right action is. i sleep great knowing that i\u2019m actually doing my best certainly not vacation-quality uninterrupted sleep, but i actually dont spend hours tossing and turning anxiously, which is a relief<\/p>\n\n\n\n

the hardest periods of my life, correlated with the worst sleep, were when everything seemed meaningless and i had a real risk of unaliving myself parenting is logistically disruptive, but for me personally it all feels meaningful and my will-to-live has never been stronger<\/p>\n\n\n\n

VII.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

about a month after i got married, i remember still accidentally referring to my wife as my girlfriend, out of habit. there’s something similar with having a kid. sometimes people say things like “i was afraid i wouldn’t feel a gushing love my child overnight” and like, yea,<\/p>\n\n\n\n

it takes time to get to know a person! even if u could know a lot about them beforehand (this happens for me with new friends with extensive bodies of work\u2013 we can read each other’s stuff and speedrun years of shared understanding), it takes time to weave a relationship together<\/p>\n\n\n\n

there have been moments in the past month where i sort of micro-forgot that I have a son. i go to the toilet or something, and i come back out and i’m like oh man, there’s a kid here! that’s my kid! wife and i keep jokingly asking each other “who’s this guy?” “your son!” “omg”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

it’s so much fun. i love him so much. i catch glimpses of his personality in the patterns in his facial expressions and his body language and i’m so excited to discover more of it. his hands are already a little bigger than they were a couple of weeks ago<\/p>\n\n\n\n

i am also falling in love with my wife all over again watching her be a mom. generally in our relationship i tend to be the annoying cheery optimist and she’s the grumpy cynic (and I love that about her), but when she sings and coos to our son i melt into a puddle of sunshine<\/p>\n\n\n\n

thinking about the world in relation to my son also has had a nice clarifying effect. i find myself thinking about what sort of example i am setting. i find myself wanting to take him on morning walks even though i am not a morning person. I find myself wanting to work out so “daddy’s tired” is hopefully never a bottleneck to anything. it’s all been wonderful for me, so far. grateful and hashtag blessed etc<\/p>\n\n\n\n

caring for him is caring for me. I had previously inherited and internalized some amount of the idea that feeding and cleaning diapers etc are the tedious, unpleasant parts of parenting. but for me they quickly became the most meaningful. each time I do it I reaffirm to him and to myself that I care, and that caring is a privilege and a joy not a burden. this itself may be a privileged perspective but I am a privileged person<\/p>\n\n\n\n

VIII.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

2 months in, i sometimes still cant believe my son is real. i look at his face and i see both myself and my wife. in his smiles i see the most profound beatific bliss. when he cries i feel gratitude for the opportunity to be the caring, nourishing presence i wish i had had<\/p>\n\n\n\n

i love holding him. i love carrying him around. i love watching him sleep. i love feeding him and burping him and changing his diapers. every part of this is such a culmination of everything i have thought and known and felt and believed. its the most divine creative project<\/p>\n\n\n\n

witnessing my wife be his mother makes me fall in love with her all over again too, harder and more deeply and in more dimensions and nuance than ever before. our home used to be so quiet, now i hear her singing and cooing to him and it is so joyous<\/p>\n\n\n\n

there are moments where i notice expressions on his face where i can see glimpses the man he will someday become. there is a whole person in there, piecing himself together, and i get to help!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

every moment with him has me revisiting, re-relating, renegotiating my own self-concept, my own understanding of myself. and my understanding of people, and the world. everything is alive again, everything is of significance<\/p>\n\n\n\n

i cant wait to give him his first taste of lemon i cant wait to bring him to the zoo and show him a giraffe i cant wait to have a family groupchat i cant wait to hear what he thinks about everything there\u2019s so much to look forward to<\/p>\n\n\n\n

IX.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

4 months. he slept pretty well through the night, woke up crying, i changed him and fed him and put him back to sleep within an hour, which felt really great so i wanted to capture that feeling and write more about how it\u2019s been going<\/p>\n\n\n\n

he\u2019s already noticeably different than he was two months ago. he\u2019s a little bigger, sturdier. he vocalizes more, which means more giggles but also shrieks. he grasps more purposefully at things, both with his hands and his eyes, it\u2019s a joy to witness<\/p>\n\n\n\n

one thing that changed \u201cfor the worse\u201d for me was- he used to fall asleep so easily when i cradled him in my arms, sideways. sometime in the last couple of weeks he started to really dislike that (cries, sometimes even screams), which made me feel comparatively helpless\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

i found that when i held him \u201cover my shoulder\u201d, he\u2019d quieten down, but in that position he is SO alert. which is a blessing in some ways, and adorable, but completely undesirable at bedtime (laugh emoji). i started to worry id never be able to get this kid to sleep. he was up all night once<\/p>\n\n\n\n

but then yesterday from some trial-and-error i held him upright pressed against my chest and he promptly dozed off. i tried it again earlier and it worked again. maybe this wont last either but for the moment i feel absolutely triumphant<\/p>\n\n\n\n

i love him so much i look forward to when we can walk together holding hands and i look forward to when he doesnt want to do that anymore i look forward to everything i have never been happier or more sleepy (which is incredible for an insomniac lol) my turn to zzz<\/p>\n\n\n\n

gn<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

transcribing.a series of twitter threads i’ve written reflecting on being a dad I. feeding my kid at 5am sets off a series of thoughtfeels that brings me back to being 12, being in singapore\u2019s gifted education program, being the only tamil\/brown kid around as far as i can remember, and… <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[727],"tags":[733],"class_list":["post-14028","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-drafts","tag-twitter-thread"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p5gxNz-3Eg","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14028","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=14028"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14028\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":14102,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14028\/revisions\/14102"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=14028"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=14028"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=14028"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}