{"id":13732,"date":"2018-09-22T17:32:00","date_gmt":"2018-09-22T17:32:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/?p=13732"},"modified":"2023-05-22T17:35:10","modified_gmt":"2023-05-22T17:35:10","slug":"lessons-from-reflections","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/2018\/09\/22\/lessons-from-reflections\/","title":{"rendered":"lessons from reflections"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

2006<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

sigh<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n
  1. I have to learn to forgive myself and rediscover why I do things<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  2. Exercising for endorphins is better than exercising to look good<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  3. I enjoy being able to tear any maths problem in the book apart, I enjoyed understanding everything.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  4. I write a lot more when I just start (instead of being intimidated by blank pages)<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  5. I forgot how much I actually loved to write for the sake of writing instead of getting readers,<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  6. I enjoy running my brain like a well-oiled machine more than winning arguments
    <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    im back, may 07<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \n
    1. I\u2019m more productive when I have a habit to stick to.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
    2. I love writing enough to come back to it over and over again despite falling off the wagon.
      <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

      the thoughts that inspired \\(n_n)\/, Oct \u201907<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

        \n
      1. Surely artists of different subcultures (photographers, filmmakers, musicians) would be more receptive to each others\u2019 work than the general public?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
      2. I\u2019d like to connect such people. I scratch your back you scratch mine. It would make me very happy.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
      3. We should do positive things for each other.
        <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

        What makes a show? Oct 07<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \n
        1. Bad gigs hurt the music scene, because they give first-time gig-goers a bad impression<\/li>\n\n\n\n
        2. We have a collective responsibility to each other to weed out bad, damaging behaviour<\/li>\n\n\n\n
        3. Local music can be great if we all work on it together, pitching in to help instead of pointing fingers to assign blame
          <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

          performer\u2019s insecurity, nov 07<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

          I feel insecure as a performer. When I wrote it, I thought it was because I wasn\u2019t pushing myself hard enough onstage. I think the actual problem was that I didn\u2019t practice and rehearse enough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          2008:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

          on judgement<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

          It\u2019s very easy to judge others, and I have been guilty of doing it. I\u2019m sorry. It says more about my insecurity than anybody else\u2019s competence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          setbacks:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

            \n
          1. I get very enthusiastic about something, throw myself into it, and then I fall sick and lose whatever gains I made.
            <\/li>\n\n\n\n
          2. This turns me off, and I decide that it was a waste of time and energy.
            <\/li>\n\n\n\n
          3. I then fall back into a meaningless, effortless and generally passive state of limbo, which I also justify with arguments that nobody really wants to listen to.
            <\/li>\n\n\n\n
          4. I\u2019m very good at rationalizing failure.
            <\/li>\n\n\n\n
          5. I use \u201cI am a big picture person\u201d as an excuse. Everything is trivial, so fuck it.
            <\/li>\n\n\n\n
          6. I am quite a hedonist with little discipline, almost always choosing short term pleasure over anything else.
            <\/li>\n\n\n\n
          7. I have very thick skin and I don\u2019t feel as guilty or ashamed as I often should (in the immediate social sense). But it gnaws at me over time.
            <\/li>\n\n\n\n
          8. I like playing music onstage.
            <\/li>\n\n\n\n
          9. I spend 5-6 hours every night online accomplishing nothing.
            <\/li>\n\n\n\n
          10. I give in to peer pressure, justifying that it\u2019s a personal choice.
            <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

            poker with more experienced players, may 09<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

              \n
            1.  I have a sore lack of discipline. I\u2019m too tight when I\u2019m down, and too loose when I\u2019m up.
              <\/li>\n\n\n\n
            2. I give up when I shouldn\u2019t, and yet I dig myself in deeper when I should quit.
              <\/li>\n\n\n\n
            3. I worry too much about myself and don\u2019t pay enough attention to other people.
              <\/li>\n\n\n\n
            4. I allow myself to be read and manipulated far easier than I realise.
              <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

              why i stopped reading<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

              I fell in love with video games, anime and teenage social life. All of that seemed more interesting than whatever I was reading about. It was so much more immediate. I\u2019ve since rekindled an interest in books.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

              stuff that gets me good<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

                \n
              1. Climaxes in music and movies (HTTYD, Paperman, Nessun Dorma)
                <\/li>\n\n\n\n
              2. Believable depictions of sacrifice, suffering, empowerment, loss (Transformers 2)
                <\/li>\n\n\n\n
              3. I get nauseated and lightheaded watching realistic depictions of violence (Prison Break, P2)
                <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

                unrequited love<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

                I had a strange crush on a girl, and I made a big deal about how I was content with appreciating another human being without having any sort of reciprocation. #clueless<\/p>\n\n\n\n

                The haze, herd mentality and effective solutions<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

                I ruminated about a regular situation I experienced in junior college when people would squeeze through one open door, without anybody opening the other door. I then wondered if we could crowdfund some sort of solution to the Indonesian haze. On hindsight, a little naive and ignorant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

                \u201cthe project\u201d, Feb 2010<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

                  \n
                1. I\u2019m really bad at starting and managing large projects.
                  <\/li>\n\n\n\n
                2. I either obsess too much about a single detail at the expense of everything else, or
                  <\/li>\n\n\n\n
                3. I try to do everything all at once, and it\u2019s a huge mess.
                  <\/li>\n\n\n\n
                4. With the benefit of 2014 hindsight, I think the trick is to focus on doing smaller versions of the project. If the end goal is baking a wedding cake, you start by baking a cupcake.
                  <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

                  wanting to write memoirs, feb 2010<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

                    \n
                  1. I wanted to write the memoirs of my life. I thought it would be an interesting writing challenge.
                    <\/li>\n\n\n\n
                  2. I believed that I wouldn\u2019t be able to figure out what I \u2018really\u2019 ought to do until I studied my own past a little deeper.
                    <\/li>\n\n\n\n
                  3. I felt like I had stories to tell.
                    <\/li>\n\n\n\n
                  4. 2014 hindsight tells me that this stuff isn\u2019t actually nearly as important as I thought it was. It was interesting when I was an unemployed bum, maybe, but now I have more interesting challenges to work on.
                    <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

                    I am a writer, Apr 2010<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

                    I like loads of things, but writing is probably the one thing that I\u2019ll patiently work on and rework for the rest of my life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

                    april 2010: with myself<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

                      \n
                    1. It\u2019s getting harder and harder for me to live with myself and my state of mediocrity.
                      <\/li>\n\n\n\n
                    2. The entire battlefield this time is \u2018entirely inside my mind\u2019- deeper than I have ever dared to reach. (Actually, on retrospect, the battlefield directly, immediately in front of me. How I choose to spend my next 5 minutes, at any given instance.)
                      <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

                      may 2010: this fire burns<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

                      I made a big deal about how I was going to be all focused and productive like a heat-seeking missile. Still working on it. Must have been reading The Millionaire In The Mirror.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

                      june 2010:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

                      what have I learnt?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

                        \n
                      1. ideas are like viruses
                        <\/li>\n\n\n\n
                      2. context can change everything
                        <\/li>\n\n\n\n
                      3. don\u2019t argue- ask questions instead. how should things be?
                        <\/li>\n\n\n\n
                      4. attention and focus are really important. meditate, be self-aware
                        <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

                        the joy of exhaustion and menial labour<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

                          \n
                        1. I like being immersed into new environments because nobody has preconceived expectations of you and you can choose to be whoever you want to be.
                          <\/li>\n\n\n\n
                        2. I always develop a reputation as a joker\/clown everywhere I go
                          <\/li>\n\n\n\n
                        3. There\u2019s a brotherhood and community spirit you only get with blue-collar workers
                          <\/li>\n\n\n\n
                        4. The shower at the end of the day, and getting into bed afterwards\u2013 bliss
                          <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

                          facing up to myself is the hardest thing, aug 2010<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

                            \n
                          1. I\u2019ve gotten very good at bluffing people, bullshitting and faking my way out of things.
                            <\/li>\n\n\n\n
                          2. I bullshit myself the most. And it\u2019s exhausting.
                            <\/li>\n\n\n\n
                          3. I want to get out of the cycle of bullshit. It\u2019s hard. Moments of clarity like these are exceptional, and I have to use them to guide my behavior the rest of the time.
                            <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

                            oct 2010: almost existential<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

                              \n
                            1. I\u2019m motivated by the idea of being able to be counted on. I\u2019d like to help people solve their problems. To do that I\u2019ll first have to solve my own.
                              <\/li>\n\n\n\n
                            2. My problems are structural, not intractable. They can be fixed.
                              <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

                              people, nov 2010<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

                              You know what\u2019s strange and interesting? To observe a person who had once let you in, but now shuts you out. Don\u2019t we all do it? It\u2019s such a complex, subtle and nuanced process. I suppose we shouldn\u2019t trouble ourselves too much that they shut us out in the end, but be honoured and thankful that they let us in to begin with.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

                              2006 sigh im back, may 07 the thoughts that inspired \\(n_n)\/, Oct \u201907 What makes a show? Oct 07 performer\u2019s insecurity, nov 07 I feel insecure as a performer. When I wrote it, I thought it was because I wasn\u2019t pushing myself hard enough onstage. I think the actual problem… <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[23],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-13732","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reflections"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p5gxNz-3zu","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13732","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=13732"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13732\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":13734,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13732\/revisions\/13734"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=13732"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=13732"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=13732"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}