{"id":10725,"date":"2016-09-08T00:30:24","date_gmt":"2016-09-07T16:30:24","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/blog\/?p=10725"},"modified":"2016-09-08T00:30:24","modified_gmt":"2016-09-07T16:30:24","slug":"adulthood","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/2016\/09\/08\/adulthood\/","title":{"rendered":"Adulthood is about taking responsibility"},"content":{"rendered":"

The following are selected quotes from @1000wordvomits<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n

-1-<\/p>\n

“What is \u201cthis\u201d? Whatever it is that distinguishes me from the kids. Because I was one of them. I was a noisy rambunctious kid. I still am sometimes, in some contexts, but something must have changed for me to now look at them with a tinge of annoyance. They\u2019re like a different species. When did I transition?”<\/p>\n

“There is no dignity or pleasure in a run-out-the-clock solution.”\u00a00093-transitioning-to-adulthood-maladjustment\/\u00a0<\/a><\/p>\n

-2-<\/p>\n

“But now that I\u2019m an \u201cadult\u201d\u2013 married, working, paying off a flat, I can and should start thinking about how to feed myself in a sustainable, suitable way that makes sense for me. The idea that I\u2019ll never eat healthy, that I\u2019ll never be able to prepare my own food, that I\u2019ll never be able to take care of myself\u2013 all of those are incredibly painful, frustrating limiting beliefs that have no place in my life. If they were ever valid, I\u2019ve outgrown them. Things like my parents worrying that I\u2019d hurt myself or burn myself in the kitchen\u2013 I\u2019m not even sure if those worries were real, but they\u2019re certainly not valid anymore. I\u2019m entirely capable of teaching myself to use knives, to use fire, to use pots and pans to cook and prepare food. And I like to think that I\u2019m a person with taste, so I do believe that over time I\u2019ll actually prepare meals that are fun and interesting.” \u2013\u00a00240 \u2013 breakfast and limiting beliefs<\/a><\/p>\n

-3-<\/p>\n

“As long as I\u2019m learning and as long as I\u2019m growing, and I\u2019m being able to make more of an impact on my surroundings, appreciate things more blissfully, I think I\u2019m doing good. I just want to have a good time without feeling guilty and irresponsible, without feeling like I\u2019m taking advantage of people, without being a burden. Why? Those seem to be social wirings in the brain, maybe. So there are competing interests inside my bundle of neurons, and so far I have not been managing these competing interests in an effective, sustainable way. So the end result is a lot of mess, a lot of misery, a lot of worry, pain, suffering. Because I allow parts of me to exploit other parts of me, which is unfair. I need to help to address these inconsistencies and unfairness. That will allow \u201call of us\u201d (inside my head) to have a good time collectively, and then we can have fun playing external games that we play because we enjoy them.<\/p>\n

I guess that\u2019s it. It\u2019s all about managing my own psychology. And it can\u2019t be all about Big Bad Me giving all these angry directives and orders to myself\u2013 my subconscious simply scoffs at that and punishes it for me behind my back. The really is a boss\/management\/organization thing going on inside the head, and it\u2019s very humbling to realize that your subconscious team doesn\u2019t belong to you, won\u2019t simply do as it\u2019s told, needs motivation and cajoling and appreciation and all of the things that regular folks need in the context of larger organizations.<\/p>\n

When I represent this in a parent\/child setting, it becomes so clear that it\u2019s bad and wrong. You shouldn\u2019t give a child free reign and give in to his whining and worries and concerns\u2013 you need to be stable and strong and firm around him. And at the same time you need to be honest, and you need to play with him, give him attention, celebrate him. Enjoy him. You can\u2019t go from free reign to suddenly becoming a prison warden. He will hurt, and he will resent you, and your relationship will sour and both of you will have a terrible time. I think this has been going on inside my head for a couple of years now and the byproduct is really toxic.” \u2013\u00a00277 \u2013 adulthood is about learning to parent yourself<\/a><\/p>\n

-4-<\/p>\n

“I realize that \u201cYoung Adult\u201d, because of \u201cYoung Adult Novels\u201d, typically refers to people from ages 14-20 or so. I\u2019m 25. When I say Young Adult, I guess I\u2019m contrasting that with \u201cFull Adult\u201d\u2013 which I suppose I reserve for people with more responsiblities, people with children, people who have experienced real hardships in their lives like cancer and miscarriages and elderly parents. I feel like I\u2019m not really an adult until I have to deal with all of that. But from a \u201c14-20 Young Adult\u201d perspective, I\u2019m someone who\u2019s married, who has a full time job, who has a mortgage and bills to pay. That\u2019s more than most of my colleagues, actually. So the whole thing is a bit of a clusterfuck, and makes you realize how the terms we use are very loaded and \u2018poisonous\u2019 \u2013 not necessarily bad, but they influence and shape our thinking far more than we ever realize.” \u2013 0278 \u2013 me and I<\/a><\/p>\n

-5-<\/p>\n

“And man, adulthood and growth is all about taking on more responsibilities. And I guess the reason that scares me is because I have no \u2013 or not much\u2013 precedent for that. The idea of being more responsible for more things simply sounds like more opportunities to fail. And in pursuing that thought, one of my strongest limiting beliefs reveals itself\u2013 this fundamental belief that I\u2019m a sort of phony or fraud who is deeply incapable of being responsible, who will eventually find some way to fuck something up some how, and the more opportunities you give me to fuck things up, the likelier it is that something is going to get fucked up.<\/p>\n

I\u2019d like to state that I am dismantling this belief.” \u2013\u00a00294 \u2013 happy mediums and responsibility<\/a><\/p>\n

-6-<\/p>\n

“I don\u2019t often hear people talking about how HARD it is. To simultaneously be a child and an adult. When you\u2019re sick of being an adult, it\u2019s tempting to be completely childlike\u2013 to be irresponsible, short-sighted, pleasure-seeking. When you get burnt one too many times from childlike curiosity, play and exploration, it\u2019s tempting to be \u2018completely adult\u2019\u2013 that is, straitlaced, dreary, boring.<\/p>\n

The good stuff comes from doing both at the same time, being both at the same time, embodying the best of both worlds in a constant yin-yang fashion. Being at once the artist and the manager. Discipline with joy, curiosity with focus, wonder with verification, awe with persistence.” \u2013\u00a00424 \u2013 the yin-yang nature of our inner child and parent<\/a><\/p>\n

-7-<\/p>\n

“When adults treat children like people, with their own minds and interests and curiosities. Encouraging them to explore their OWN interests, not just what Daddy wishes he was good at as a child. The parent or authority\u2019s job isn\u2019t to decide for the child outright, but to provide an environment and context in which the child can explore and learn and grow.” \u2013\u00a00448 \u2013 coming of age<\/a><\/p>\n

-8-<\/p>\n

“I\u2019m now concerned about living the remainder of my life without debilitating amounts of guilt, shame, fear, anger, resentment and so on\u2013 and I\u2019ve been trying to examine where all of those things come from. And that examination is proving to lead (quite unsurprisingly, on hindsight) to really old places.” \u2013\u00a00451 \u2013 the moral failure fixation is a red herring<\/a><\/p>\n

-9-<\/p>\n

“What\u2019s stopping me from doing the things that I know I need to do? I have a bunch of excuses, but they can all be summarized into a few really simple things\u2013 I\u2019m tired, I\u2019m weak, I\u2019m scared, I don\u2019t know how. To which the answers are\u2013 rest, get stronger by doing the smallest things first, recognize that there\u2019s nothing to be afraid of and I\u2019m going to die, and be precise about what I don\u2019t know and what exactly I need to do to learn the things that I don\u2019t know how to do. ”\u00a00469 \u2013 make the decision to grow<\/a><\/p>\n

-10-<\/p>\n

“What would that life look like? What does a better life look like? I think the first thing is just waking up early every day and dealing with life before it comes to me. It\u2019s better to do it early than late. [2] I\u2019ve been trying to do that for the past couple of weeks. I\u2019ve been sleeping earlier and waking earlier. I feel like I\u2019m making progress on this front but it will take a few more weeks before I really adjust to it. Once I\u2019m done adjusting to that, I\u2019ll want to be more effective and efficient with how I spend my early mornings. I\u2019ll want to get some reading done, some writing done, some planning and evaluation done. Figure out my commitments in advance\u2013 arrange my appointments and scheduling, plan my workouts, my meals and so on. That\u2019s the biggest thing that will make the biggest difference to my life\u2013 to be prepared and to anticipate things rather than to meet them on the road and improvise suboptimally over and over again.” 0522 \u2013 strive to do more than getting by<\/a><\/p>\n

-11-<\/p>\n

“And then we enter adulthood and we discover the flipside of the coin\u2013 that on the the other side of the Adventure is the Ordeal. Actually, we learn this even before adulthood. School can be quite the ordeal. Keeping up with shallow social relations is an ordeal. Developing a healthy self-image and self-concept in a world bombarded with advertisement and appeals to ego and lowest-common-denominator desires is an ordeal. Staying alive is largely an ordeal.” \u2013\u00a00525 \u2013 strive to transition from ordeal to adventure<\/a><\/p>\n

-12-<\/p>\n

“Making progress means being kind to yourself without enabling the shitty sides of you. It means challenging yourself without being hurtful or self-destructive. That\u2019s a tough balancing act, and I don\u2019t think it\u2019s possible for anybody to get it perfect. We inch towards something more equitable through trial and error, by getting burnt, making mistakes. I imagine some people tend to be chronically in one side or the other- kind but also too forgiving, or firm but also too harsh. And some of us have the delightful worst of both worlds- too tolerant of things we shouldn\u2019t tolerate, and too harsh on ourselves for almost no reason. (I think there\u2019s a theory somewhere that sometimes we just internalize the anger and frustration of our elders- we learn everything first by imitation, so their annoyed voiced become our internal self-taught. )” \u2013 0590 \u2013 continuing to grapple\u00a0with adulthood<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2013<\/p>\n

What Adults Would Tell You About Adulthood (If They Weren’t So Goddamn Tired)<\/h3>\n

 <\/p>\n

    \n
  • Life<\/span><\/li>\n
  • the more you know, the more you realize you don’t know<\/span><\/li>\n
  • BS & wayang<\/span><\/li>\n
  • uncertainty<\/span><\/li>\n
  • loneliness<\/span><\/li>\n
  • time management<\/span><\/li>\n
  • incongruence between working on weaknesses and importance of strengths<\/span><\/li>\n
  • prejudice (incl. homophobia)<\/span><\/li>\n
  • marriage inequality<\/span><\/li>\n
  • being tied to people<\/span><\/li>\n
  • fear of failure<\/span><\/li>\n
  • gossip<\/span><\/li>\n
  • being responsible for others<\/span><\/li>\n
  • non-lineated time post-school<\/span><\/li>\n
  • compromising principles<\/span><\/li>\n
  • general levels of fear and obedience<\/span><\/li>\n
  • societal rules and norms<\/span><\/li>\n
  • pressure to be sensible, low-risk<\/span><\/li>\n
  • recognizing that others don’t necessarily know how to adult<\/span><\/li>\n
  • realizing that everyone is groping in the dark<\/span><\/li>\n
  • parents growing old \/ role reversal<\/span><\/li>\n
  • body deterioration<\/span><\/li>\n
  • exhaustion<\/span><\/li>\n
  • work politics<\/span><\/li>\n
  • lack of defined career path in most sectors<\/span><\/li>\n
  • finances, insurance, taxes, bills<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    The following are selected quotes from @1000wordvomits. -1- “What is \u201cthis\u201d? Whatever it is that distinguishes me from the kids. Because I was one of them. I was a noisy rambunctious kid. I still am sometimes, in some contexts, but something must have changed for me to now look at… <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[583,586,576],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-10725","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-peopling","category-searching-for-truth","category-self-repair"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p5gxNz-2MZ","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10725","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=10725"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10725\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=10725"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=10725"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.visakanv.com\/archives\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=10725"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}