Depoliticize Singapore for Economic Gain: Economy Suffers

Posted on April 25, 2012 by visa

I’ve been toying with the idea that Singaporeans’ general apathy and lack of drive is a form of “learned helplessness“, just as Seligman’s dogs lay down and took the electric shocks, meekly accepting their fate.

For the most part, we don’t really feel like we have any real control over our destiny. So why bother? That’s the part that our leaders don’t seem to consider. (When I was a student councillor in Junior College, I  hoped to playing a role in decisions that actually mattered. Unfortunately, the more important a decision was, the less likely it would be that we would be consulted about it.  I found this terribly frustrating. It essentially communicated to us that we didn’t matter. I hated JC.)

“Why are Singaporeans so apathetic?” Maybe it’s because you systematically teach them that their opinions don’t matter, their views don’t count, shut up and do as you’re told. (This isn’t just political, it’s cultural- ask any primary school teacher. Not just about their classroom- but about their staff room, too.)

Politically cauterizing people has long-term consequences on their collective psyche- and that, subsequently, has economic consequences. What was initially done in the interests of the economy has now begun to damage the economy. We’re killing the golden geese.

Encouraging idealism becomes the pragmatic solution. If we REALLY care about economic growth, we’re going to have to empower people to think for themselves- and part of that package includes a sense of greater purpose, and with that, political awareness. That means actively threatening the status quo.

What this means is that leaders have to acknowledge in advance that they will one day be obsolete.

I find it strange that a lot of people who cherish their own autonomy, freedom of thought and the like would seek to quell it in others. (I’m reminded of that scene in Dead Poet’s Society, where one teacher tells another that we shouldn’t teach kids to think for themselves- that it’s too much for them to bear- when he clearly prides himself on being an intellectual in himself, and must have gotten exactly what he believes others can’t handle.)

Consider this interesting paradox: 

While our leaders built a system that was exceptional at filling buckets, they themselves must have been internally driven. They were passionate about what they were doing.

After all, they were educated and accomplished- they could have just left Singapore for greener pastures elsewhere.  But they chose to stay and make something of this place. Why? The only explanation I can think of is passion. Vision, too.

Both of which our education system systematically weeds out.

—

As a leader, if you are truly committed to the absolute best for your country, you will have to acknowledge that you cannot possibly know everything that it needs, and you cannot possibly provide all of it.

For the PAP leadership, this means acknowledging that WP and others may have contributions to make to Singapore. We are all a part of the collective fabric, and diversity is the best survival strategy. We can’t just have diversity in the things that you want, but not in the things that you don’t want. That defeats the purpose.

There are parallels to parenting- what kind of parent are you if you never allow your child to think for herself? If you can’t let your children out of your sight, for fear that they will screw up their lives the moment you’re not around- where have you succeeded as a parent?

Some parents are amazing with little kids, but terrible with young adults- because they can’t let go of certain ideas, certain schemas about what it means to be a parent. I suspect that Lee Kuan Yew falls into this category- he was a fantastic leader for the circumstances Singapore was in during the pinnacle of his leadership, but he is no longer the best man for the job. Which is why I’m incredibly proud of him for stepping down.

I think that’s the sort of spirit we need to have. Singapore comes first. If we have that in mind, and we see that we’re all on the same team in that regard, then I think we’ll see that both the economy and politics will sort themselves out.

TL:DR:

Singapore was depoliticized because of economic considerations.

This cauterization has long term effects on the people’s psyche, which subsequently has negative consequences on the economy.

Singaporeans are pragmatic. The pragmatic thing to do, in this case, is to encourage idealism. To teach people to think for themselves, and to show them that they can shape their own destiny.

Until we do that, most of us will remain apathetic. Our leaders and our systems have been teaching us that it doesn’t pay to care.

—

PS: The title is intentionally simplistic. I couldn’t figure out how to express it succinctly without oversimplifying it. Apologies to the economists and rigorous thinkers. I’d greatly appreciate better title suggestions.

PPS: I understand the worry that many Singaporeans tend to be noisy, irresponsible and small-minded when it comes to politics. But that is not a good argument for depoliticizing. I think, in fact, that it compels us to learn how to handle our views better, how to interact with others, how to have civil discourse.

Posted in Nation-Building, Politics, Singapore | 8 Comments

W01D2

Posted on April 25, 2012 by visa

I wanted to wake up at 630am. I did. But I went back to sleep. I woke up again at 9am. Went back to sleep.

I woke up again, got out of bed, showered, brushed my teeth, and here I am- and it’s 11:52AM.

Challenge: I need to make it easier for myself to snap out of bed the moment I wake up.

I shouldn’t be deliberating “should I wake up or should I stay in bed a little longer?” once I wake up. Because it’s almost certain that I’d go back to bed. I need to build the habit of snapping up the moment I wake up, and getting out of bed. (Impulse for distraction here. Averted.)

I need a psychological central bank- the decision must be made in advance that I’m going to get up the moment I wake up. If I want to go back to bed- if I really want more sleep- then I can go back to bed, but I should at least give myself a chance to explore the possibility that I want to be awake.

Now that I _AM_ awake- my main priority for today was to plan a provisional daily routine for myself.

Wake Up
Water Parade + Brush Teeth
Breathe for 5 minutes
Write 1,000 words on anything
(Impulse for distraction. Averted.)
Breakfast
Visualise/plan the day’s affairs- review previous day’s plans, figure out plan of action

—

Wrote and published MBTI post. Finally. (Follow-up step: a What I Learned version.) It is now 1pm. I shall have my lunch.

Okay, I just had lunch. (Fish curry and rice.)

I spend the evening recording videos for YouTube. 4 videos- 2 covers and 2 originals. I wasn’t as productive as I should have been.

I then met the girlfriend for dinner and we had a nice long walk, and some ice cream. It was pleasant.

I then spent all night online being completely unproductive.

So we have some wins and some to-learns there. I’ll worry about it tomorrow. Sleep is the immediate priority.

Posted in 28 Weeks | Leave a comment

My MBTI Journey

Posted on April 24, 2012 by visa

MBTI:

I remember when I first encountered MBTI. It was introduced to me over beer, by a friend of a friend. He was a self-professed INTJ, and he was convinced that I was an ENTP. I thought it was fascinating. I can’t remember the specific details, but I went home to check it out. I did the tests.

I initially got ESTP a few times- which was what I had convinced myself I was- but after a while I started getting ENTP. I believe that this boiled down to the fact that I was interpreting ideas such as “intuition” and “abstraction” as something touchy-feely and emotional-like, and I felt like I was more of an analyst than a go-with-what-your-soul-tells-you person.

Anyway, I was hooked. I thought it was the most interesting thing I had ever encountered in my life. I did. It explained, in one fell swoop, almost all of the difficulties and troubles I’d been having in dealing with other people. It forced me to acknowledge the reality that not everybody is like me- in fact, that most people aren’t like me- and that what I perceive to be normal and acceptable isn’t always so to everybody else.

It was a breath of fresh air. Suddenly, instead of thinking that other people are either stupid or flawed, I learned to see that they were simply different. We didn’t have to be at loggerheads with one another- I simply needed to learn to see things from their perspectives. I became somewhat obsessed with understanding and mastering the MBTI system. I’d read up about all the archetypes, and after a while I even got into the technical details underlying the functions that determine the archetypes.

(Most MBTI tests you do online aren’t very accurate, because they try to get you to pick a side between the four variables. In reality, the best way to figure out a person’s MBTI type, in my humble opinion, is to make sense of their functional preferences.)

As I got better at making sense of the MBTI, I started becoming more prescriptive than descriptive. I started to pigeonhole people. When I was younger, I assumed that people were either one thing or the other. You either got me or you don’t. After I picked up MBTI, I became enamoured with the idea that there were many kinds of people, more than I had ever imagined. 16 different types! That’s even more than in the zodiac!

I started paying attention to people and noticing the differences- yes, this person was more of an introvert, and this fella is more of a “feeler” than a “thinker”. Slowly but surely, I noticed that I was making better social decisions- I was less likely to piss people off by doing or saying things that they weren’t comfortable with. (Of course, “less likely” doesn’t change the fact that I was still doing it really often…)

But after a while, a new way of seeing turns into a new set of blinders. I started to obsess about MBTI, and I started viewing everybodythrough these lenses. What had expanded my mind and my vision of the world was now beginning to limit it. MBTI is ambiguous enough that it allows you to cherry-pick, and this is dangerous because it isn’t real knowledge. It’s simply confirmation bias- you start to see what you want to see.

I started to impose my views on other people. I had friends who weren’t certain of what their type was, and I “figured them out” and then told them what type they were- arguing in a persuasive manner. (One can be a “creative accountant” when it comes to MBTI- If you’ve already decided what type a person is, and the person is reasonably ambiguous, as most people are, then you can squeeze them into the type that you want to.)

Another problem with MBTI is that it allows you to justify your weaknesses. I am an ENTP, and ENTPs have inferior Introverted Sensing- so I suck at routines. I am an INTP, and INTPs have inferior Extroverted Feeling, so I don’t have to care about social norms or other people’s feelings. It becomes like a sort of handicap. It’s like saying, “This is the way I am, so it’s okay for me to be this way.”

MBTI is really just about preferences. It’s about what you like to do, not what you’re necessarily good at doing. Just because you’re an INTJ doesn’t mean you’re “smart”. You could meet an ESFP who happens to be a better logical thinker than you are. There is “some” co-relation between preferences and competence, but you can’t use one to consistently predict the other. The few times when you get it wrong will screw you up terribly. Don’t do it if you can help it.

If you’re interested in getting into MBTI, I think it’s something to be encouraged. It broadens your perspectives and makes you look at people in a new light. But I think it’s a provisional system. It doesn’t explain everything. (Nothing does.) It’s much akin to Wittgenstein’s Ladder. You climb up and over it, and then you discard it.

I like to think that the “objective” of MBTI, if there is one, is to render itself obsolete. How can that happen? It happens when it becomes difficult, if not impossible, to type anybody. It’s often difficult to type highly competent individuals such as Barack Obama, because they seem to be so good at everything. I think a good understanding of MBTI allows us to figure out what to work on.

As an ENTP, I learnt to understand my strengths better- I’m good at divergent perspectives and rigorous, consistent thinking. I learnt to see my weaknesses better, too. I have trouble sticking to a single thing for a long time.

Some people argue that we should ignore our weaknesses and focus entirely on our strengths. I think we should 80/20 it. A strength is like a motor, and a weakness is like a hull breach. If we had to choose between one of the two, yes- more strength over less weakness, a powerful motor over a smaller hole. But in reality, we don’t have to choose just one or the other. A little time patching up the hole can allow the ship to move a lot quicker with the same motor. Make sure to 80/20 it so you don’t waste too much time on one element of the broader system.

I used to define myself as someone who couldn’t be bothered with routines or sticking to any single pursuit for a long time. I’ve since decided to challenge that definition. I’m never going to be as good at focusing on one thing as I am going to be at divergent perspectives, but there’s no reason why I need to be terribly bad at it. MBTI has revealed to me my strengths and weaknesses- I focus on developing my strengths, but I also think it’s necessary to diminish one’s weaknesses- at least to the point where it doesn’t become a burden that holds you back from accomplishment and fulfillment.

—

MBTI simplifies our endlessly complex reality into 8 cognitive functions at 16 personality types. Of course, there are really an infinite number of cognitive functions and personality types. But these 8 and 16 respectively allow you to broaden your perspectives- at least, it did for me.

We teach children that electrons of an atom orbit the nucleus the way the planets orbit the sun. That isn’t actually true, but it expands the children’s minds and sets them up to understand other things better. Similarly, MBTI isn’t actually an accurate depiction of reality. (Nothing can be.) But it expands your mind. Just remember that it is not a substitute for truth.

I no longer really think of people in terms of MBTI. I don’t really care what your type is. I have reached a stage where I’m comfortable with not having “answers”. I think character is more important than personality. I still subconsciously evaluate people, of course- but I no longer wonder “what’s this person’s MBTI type?”. My thinking is a bit more subtle and nuanced now- it’s mostly intuitive, and a little difficult to express. But it definitely works better than sticking to a rigid system.

Still, again, I would not have gotten to this stage without having gone through that one. You need to learn the system before you can disregard it. Climb the ladder before you discard it. Know the ‘rules’ so that you can break them.

TL;DR:

MBTI opened my eyes and broadened my perspectives, but then subsequently limited it. I found it necessary to climb up and over it, and then discard it.

I still think it’s a valuable system worth studying- just be careful of falling into the various traps associated with falling in love with a way of seeing things.

Posted in Memoirs, Personal Development, reflections | Tagged | Leave a comment

Games from my childhood

Posted on April 24, 2012 by visa

SC3K: I remember getting Simcity 3000 for my birthday. I was terrible at it as a child- I’d spend hours terraforming the map into an unrealistic, geometrically perfect fakery with no trees and a perfectly straight river- and then build roads extensively around the edges of the map. I’d inevitably run into bankruptcy, the cost of maintaining the roads would kill me. And then I’d start over, doing the same thing.

I used to play Simcity 2000 on our old Windows 3.1 computer. It came with the building editor, and I’d spend hours assembling a perfect (and on hindsight, terribly boring) city, with perfect orderly rows of identical buildings. (I did the same thing in Fifa 98 with all the player models. I gave every player my favourite face and hair, keeping only the skin and hair colour unchanged.)

Fifa 98: I remember getting Singapore to win the World Cup. It was possible to turn off fouls so you could shove the goalkeeper while he had the ball, and then score with it. But I also managed to play quite well without the fouls. The indoor court was quite fun, too. Blur’s Song 2 remains anthemic. I remember playing Fifa 2000 too, on amateur mode it’s possible to simply dash forward all the way after kickoff and lob the ball over the keeper’s head when you’re right in front of him.

Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker. When I was younger, I’d only ever make it to the graveyard stage- one of the bosses was impossible to defeat without some degree of skill. I’d eventually complete the game. The 4th level with the caves was a total pain. I think I remember using pen and paper to try and figure out where I’d been and where I ought to go.

Afterburner was fun. I loved being able to do the 360 rotation, it felt great to take the enemy planes down, and the mothership that refueled you was so huge and badass.

Golden Axe 2 was a good memory. I remember it only worked on the old controller with 3 buttons- for some reason it didn’t work on the 6 button one. I tried Golden Axe 3 on an emulator much later, and somehow it didn’t seem as beautiful as GA2. Possibly because I was too young to notice very much about the graphics.

Bare Knuckle 3 (aka Streets of Rage) was an old favourite. To this day I could probably do a good run on the hardest difficulty. Axel was always my favourite character, because of the specials with the sword and bat. I remember mimicking his moves when I was in Kindergarten. There’s a mission where you have to rescue a political figure- and for some reason me and my brother used to keep letting him die, because we liked the alternative ending better. I got really, really good at that game. I still remember the nuances of all the enemy characters, and most of the secrets. The music and enemy noises are still very fresh in my mind.

I played BK/SOR 1 too, and I enjoyed it, even if the pace is a little slower.

I remember playing Red Alert at my friend Keith’s place in Primary School- we’d go there before school started on days with the afternoon session, and on saturdays with supplementary classes. I’d tell my parents that the classes were earlier than they actually were, so that we could go and play. I remember that I really liked Tesla Coils. I got pretty far in the Allied missions- which was the only CD I had- but I don’t remember completing the entire game. Enemy subs were annoying. There’s a pretty fun spy mission. Tanya was a badass, but sometimes she’d die accidentally in stupid ways. Mission failed. The music was fantastic, and so were the cutscenes.

I think we also played Metal Slug at Keith’s place. We used to abuse the extra credits- when faced off against the second boss in Metal Slug 2 or X, we’d just throw all our bombs and die so that we’d get more bombs to use. I remember buying it myself at a pasar malam, and bringing friends home from Primary School to play it after we finished our group work. I remember ZW and JS used to play it with me.

I first encountered Heroes Of Might and Magic 3 at Ericko’s house, at his birthday party. He was from OEPS, too. We tried to play a game with many, many players- but it took really long and we never really got anywhere. But I was hooked with the interface and atmosphere, and I remember playing it at JS’s house, and then playing through the entire Single Player campaign years later- I think after my ‘A’ Levels.

Super Street Fighter 2: The New Challengers was another fun one. I only ever used Ryu, Ken, Guile, Vega and I think Sagat. I remember my brother and I trying to get every single one of the endings for every single character. I think we did manage. I remmeber Ken’s shoulder being really broad in his outro. It was hard if not impossible to execute Zangief’s and T-Hawk’s 360 moves on a joypad.

Sonic 3. I could still do a quick playthrough of the first two Acts if I played it today. Oddly, the second act is clearer in my mind- probably because I was stuck there for quite a while. But it was the underwater stage- Act 3- that was the real killer. Rarely, if ever, made it past that. I can’t remember much about the casino stage (except that Robotnik removes pieces of the floor at the end), and I totally can’t recall what comes afterwards. My memory is confused by my emulator experiences of playing Sonic & Knuckles.

OTHER GAMES-
Prince of Persia,
Wolf 3D,
Duke Nukem,
Bare Knuckle,
Metal Slug,
Red Alert,
Digimon Cards
Mortal Kombat 3
Terranigma
Final Fantasy and other playstation fun
Fighting games- GGX2, Street Fighter 3S- arcades, w/ JS, sticking to 1 character
Tomb Raider 2
Zelda
Zork

Posted in Memoirs | Tagged | Leave a comment

Charlie Brown’s ‘Cyclopedia

Posted on April 24, 2012 by visa

I used to read a lot as a kid, though it never occurred to me that I was. If I ever seem more intelligent than anybody else, it can usually be boiled down to the fact that I’ve probably read more than them.

I used to have a collection of books called “Charlie Brown’s ‘Cyclopedia- Super Questions and Answers and Amazing Facts”. I still do! There are 15 volumes- from “Your Body” to “Space Travel”, “Electricity and Magnetism”, “People Around The World”, and my personal favourite- “Stars and Planets and Plants”. I didn’t think much of it back then, but on hindsight those books broadened my horizons and provided me with a substantial amount of general knowledge, perhaps significantly more than my peers.

I learnt, at about 6 or 7, that our bodies were made up of cells, that there were billions of stars in the galaxy, that dinosaurs roamed the Earth 65 million years ago, that there were plants that ate insects. I learnt how solar and lunar eclipses worked, how planes were invented, about ships, televisions, pigmentation, different holidays and cultures around the world, mountains, lightning, skeletons, gravity, the seasons and photosynthesis. I remember how I learnt about sperm cells and egg cells and fertilization, but I had no idea then about how it would actually happen- the book had tactfully left the fun bits out.

I might not have completely understood everything, but it was a fairly impressive amount of knowledge for a young child (I only know this now after interacting with young children who aren’t very much interested in anything) and I developed an effective framework with incredible breadth- and this allowed me to assimilate knowledge more easily later on. I often found myself having remarkably accurate hunches about things, and on hindsight this was probably because I’d been exposed to a lot of valid information earlier- and much of it lingered in my subconscious- I am certain of this, because I can flip through any volume of these encyclopedias and every page strikes me as incredibly familiar. This may have played a role in shaping my personality and attitude towards learning- I was used to being right all the time.

Perhaps most importantly, I was intoxicated by what Richard Feynman describes as the pleasure of finding things out. I loved understanding things, learning about how they worked, developing a sense of awareness about the world around me.

I can’t think of many things more fundamentally important than a love for learning, and I can’t think of a better way to develop that than through reading- through conversation with a superior mind that is patient and understanding.

Posted in Books | Leave a comment

Week 1 Day 1

Posted on April 24, 2012 by visa

Yesterday I met my mentor-figure who helped to get me all fired up. I got home, tried to do some work, ended up getting distracted anyway, and spent a couple of hours on Facebook. I slept at 4am, or later.

It’s Monday. I woke up around 7-something AM. Somehow, my body is beginning to get used to the idea of waking up early, even when I sleep late. But I think I better sleep early today, to solidify the routine.

I wasted some time online, then headed to City Hall to sell a t-shirt at 1:30pm. Topped up my EZ-Link Card. ($10) I had lunch at McDonald’s. ($5.5)

I then sat around reading my Economics book (Economics in Public Policies: The Singapore Story). Sold another 2 t-shirts to another customer at 3:40pm.

Met up with Adnin. Went to Kaplan’s library. Spent some time being frustrated with Internet failure. Downloaded Nanny for Chrome, Strict Pomodoro. (I have since deleted Nanny- Pomodoro is good enough for me.)I used my Write or Die app, and churned out two separate pieces of over 1,000 words each. They’re still unedited.

Wisdom to contemplate- never try to write something and edit it at the same time. Generate first, edit later. Bulk, then cut.

I write the most when I don’t have any access whatsoever to the internet. The best way to do this is with pen and paper. The second best way to do this, it seems, is to use Pomodoro (or Nanny) to artificially restrict myself.

I quite enjoy the game dynamic present in Write or Die. It makes it a bit fun and challenging, and in a way distracts me from other distractions. (Use a diamond to cut a diamond, a stickier narrative to displace an existing sticky narrative, and fight distraction with a superior distraction- namely, a couple of meters that are altering in real time, in front of your face.)

I haven’t played Lumosity in a while. Perhaps I should. I have yet to create a structured morning/night routine. This shall be one of my main priorities, something I shall do in between writing and studying. I should perhaps now go back to studying. (Study)

Met the band. Rehearsed. Did some reading in between sessions.

Got home at 11:30pm. Time to plan the next day.

Objectives for tomorrow:

Plan daily routines + weekly routines. Save yourself the trouble of deciding each new thing each new day.

Write-Or-Die 10,000 words.

Email B two more articles.

Posted in 28 Weeks | Leave a comment

The Love Of Reading

Posted on April 21, 2012 by visa

My most memorable reading happened on my bed in my parent’s room- I had a little table lamp of sorts that I’d put on the floor- it was the sort that could be moved around. I’d lie in bed with my elbows on my pillows and my book of choice on the parquet floor in front of me. I remember reading lots of Enid Blyton, Calvin and Hobbes. I had some old fairy tales, too- and not the Disney kinds. I used to borrow lots of books from the library. My mother would bring me to Tampines Regional Library. There was a period of time we’d go to Marine Parade Library- the old one. I can’t remember what that was like. We’d often go to eat at some fast food place afterwards- maybe McDonalds, maybe Burger King (I always had the fish burger, with tomato ketchup). I remember always getting started on the books as soon as possible. I’d use both our library cards.

I was very into science and history, as a kid. I liked reading about ancient Egyptians- about mummification, about how life was like back then. I liked reading about disasters, too- earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes. I had some interest in things like guns, cars, trains, aeroplanes.

I used to read a lot as a kid, though it never occurred to me that I was. If I ever seem more intelligent than anybody else (and my friends know that I’m not, that it’s just an illusion), it can usually be boiled down to the fact that I’ve probably read more than them. I think that’s all there is to it.

I used to have a collection of books called “Charlie Brown’s ‘Cyclopedia- Super Questions and Answers and Amazing Facts”. I still do! There are 15 volumes- from “Your Body” to “Space Travel”, “Electricity and Magnetism”, “People Around The World”, and my personal favourite- “Stars and Planets and Plants”. I didn’t think much of it back then, but on hindsight those books broadened my horizons and provided me with a substantial amount of general knowledge, perhaps significantly more than my peers.

I learnt, at about 6 or 7, that our bodies were made up of cells, that there were billions of stars in the galaxy, that dinosaurs roamed the Earth 65 million years ago, that there were plants that ate insects. I learnt how solar and lunar eclipses worked, how planes were invented, about ships, televisions, pigmentation, different holidays and cultures around the world, mountains, lightning, skeletons, gravity, the seasons and photosynthesis. I remember how I learnt about sperm cells and egg cells and fertilization, but I had no idea then about how it would actually happen- the book had tactfully left the fun bits out.

I might not have completely understood everything, but it was a fairly impressive amount of knowledge for a young child (I only know this now after interacting with young children who aren’t very much interested in anything) and I developed a somewhat effective framework with somewhat uncommon breadth- and this allowed me to assimilate knowledge more easily later on. I often found myself having remarkably accurate hunches about things, and on hindsight this was probably because I’d been exposed to a lot of valid information earlier- and much of it lingered in my subconscious- I am certain of this, because I can flip through any volume of these encyclopedias and every page strikes me as incredibly familiar. This may have played a role in shaping my personality and attitude towards learning- I was used to being right all the time.

Perhaps most importantly, I was intoxicated by what Richard Feynman describes as the pleasure of finding things out. I loved understanding things, learning about how they worked, developing a sense of awareness about the world around me.

I can’t think of many things more fundamentally important than a love for learning, and I can’t think of a better way to develop that than through reading.

Posted in Memoirs | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

The Art Of Surrender

Posted on April 20, 2012 by visa

We can’t help but look at attractive people. I don’t mean that figuratively- I mean really, we can’t. They catch our eye the moment we see them, just a person in yellow stands out in a sea of black. Think carefully about the last time you glanced at someone attractive- you did not actually get to choose whether or not you wanted to look at them! You may have thought immediately afterwards that you wanted to look again, but the initial look was beyond your control.

That’s kind of a scary thought. But it’s only scary because we tend to think far too highly of our own consciousness, which is a self-glorifying entity. Once our consciousness becomes self-aware, it becomes childishly arrogant, taking credit for everything that we do. It’s a cute little logical fallacy that’s practially wired into our brains- we aren’t conscious of what we’re doing when we’re conscious of something else, so we tend to assume that whatever we’re not conscious of doesn’t really matter.

But think about it- who’s driving the car while you’re focused on the conversation you’re having? Who alerted you that you just sat on a pin, that you just touched something incredibly hot, and commanded that you get up, move aside, or stick out your hands to break your fall? Most of what we do is non-conscious! We typically only realize this during brief startling moments where our non-conscious seizes control- but the cognitive dissonance is hard to deal with, so we convince ourselves that such incidents are one-off. The truth is, our non-conscious is running at full speed pretty much 24/7. We are primarily nonconscious creatures.

You can apply this model to a lot of things. The best teaching happens outside of the syllabus. The best conversations are defined by the words unsaid. The best sex happens when you stop worrying about trying to impress the other person. The best gatherings tend to be serendipitous and improvised rather than planned. That’s because whenever we plan things (in the rigid sense), whenever we try to impose conscious control over how things ought to be, and our consciousness is far more limited than our non-conscious.

Some of my religious friends describe this as surrendering to God, when you let go of the illusion of the self and embrace the universe in its all-encompassing Being. I think of it as relinquishing conscious control, acknowledging that your non-conscious knows far more than your conscious, and having faith that it has a much better idea about how things ought to be carried it out. We have different names for it, but it’s the same thing.

Trust and faith- in yourself, and each other. It’s the source of the absolute peak magnificence of human experience- if you’ve ever felt what it’s like to completely let go and find yourself in a heightened, euphoric state- whether during conversation, sex, while playing a sport, working on your art, or even in meditation or prayer- then you know what I mean. I like the idea that those moments are infinite- because the amount of data going through everyone’s minds is far beyond conscious comprehension. The bandwidth of consciousness is far, far smaller than the bandwidth of experience- you’re experiencing millions of sensations and emotions at any second, but you’re only conscious of a few things. It’s especially beautiful when it happens in synchrony with others- whether you’re playing a team sport, having conversations over drinks or making music on stage.

It is the source of true humility- because you realize that you weren’t quite responsible for your own excellence- you were a spectator to that within yourself that is greater than you. You can call it God if you like. I like to think of it as the cumulative wisdom of the universe, accumulated and manifested within us, passed on from generation to generation- neurons, synapses, all part of a huge neverending cosmic dance. To have had the opportunity to witness and participate in it is the highest honour.

Posted in Conversationalist | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

What I Learnt from playing Mass Effect.

Posted on April 19, 2012 by visa

UDNER KONSTRCTZNZON

Posted in What I Learnt | Leave a comment

Gaming The A Levels 2012

Posted on April 18, 2012 by visa

2012 GCE A-LEVEL registration

Subjects Registered

1 8806 GENERAL PAPER
2 9725 LITERATURE IN ENGLISH
3 9727 ENGLISH LANGUAGE & LINGUISTICS
4 9732 ECONOMICS
5 9740 MATHEMATICS

I’ve never been able to study before.

There’s always been a part of me that’s wanted to. But it has always been defenseless against the parts of me that want immediate pleasure, that want to do whatever was easy, and fun.

If I can’t convince myself to work hard at something, how could I ever possibly convince anybody else?

That’s the dead end. That’s the Gordian knot.

There is no way around this brick wall- it has to be met head-on, and demolished. How I meet it is another story- I believe that there are effective ways and ineffective ways of bashing through (or climbing over) a brick wall.

But those are minor details. The point is that I cannot ignore it any longer if I want to keep growing and learning as an individual, if I want to contribute further and farther beyond myself.
And that is something I know with absolute certainty. I never want to stop growing.

So here’s where the unstoppable force meets the immovable object. My desire to live, against my fear of the unknown, uncomfortable and unfamiliar. And as the Cherokee Indian put it, the wolf that wins is the one you feed.

I have to be the change that I want to see in the world, and it begins with me. The die is cast.

Once more into the fray
into the last good fight I’ll ever know
Live and die on this day
Live and die on this day

Posted in A Levels | Leave a comment