Lessons from reflections

lessons From Reflections

  • I have to learn to forgive myself and rediscover why I do things.
  • Exercising for endorphins is better than exercising to look good
  • I enjoy being able to tear any maths problem in the book apart, I enjoyed understanding everything.
  • I write a lot more when I just start (instead of being intimidated by blank pages)
  • I forgot how much I actually loved to write for the sake of writing instead of getting readers,
  • I enjoy running my brain like a well-oiled machine more than winning arguments
  • I’m more productive when I have a habit to stick to.
  • I love writing enough to come back to it over and over again despite falling off the wagon.
  • Surely artists of different subcultures (photographers, filmmakers, musicians) would be more receptive to each others’ work than the general public?
  • I’d like to connect such people. I scratch your back you scratch mine. It would make me very happy.
  • We should do positive things for each other.
  • Bad gigs hurt the music scene, because they give first-time gig-goers a bad impression
  • We have a collective responsibility to each other to weed out bad, damaging behaviour
  • Local music can be great if we all work on it together, pitching in to help instead of pointing fingers to assign blame
  • I feel insecure as a performer. When I wrote it, I thought it was because I wasn’t pushing myself hard enough onstage. I think the actual problem was that I didn’t practice and rehearse enough.
  • on judgement
  • It’s very easy to judge others, and I have been guilty of doing it. I’m sorry. It says more about my insecurity than anybody else’s competence.
  • setbacks:
  • I get very enthusiastic about something, throw myself into it, and then I fall sick and lose whatever gains I made.
  • This turns me off, and I decide that it was a waste of time and energy.
  • I then fall back into a meaningless, effortless and generally passive state of limbo, which I also justify with arguments that nobody really wants to listen to.
  • I’m very good at rationalizing failure.
  • I use “I am a big picture person” as an excuse. Everything is trivial, so fuck it.
  • I am quite a hedonist with little discipline, almost always choosing short term pleasure over anything else.
  • I have very thick skin and I don’t feel as guilty or ashamed as I often should (in the immediate social sense). But it gnaws at me over time.
  • I like playing music onstage.
  • I spend 5-6 hours every night online accomplishing nothing.
  • I give in to peer pressure, justifying that it’s a personal choice.
  • I have a sore lack of discipline. I’m too tight when I’m down, and too loose when I’m up.
  • I give up when I shouldn’t, and yet I dig myself in deeper when I should quit.
  • I worry too much about myself and don’t pay enough attention to other people.
  • I allow myself to be read and manipulated far easier than I realise.
  • why i stopped reading
  • I fell in love with video games, anime and teenage social life. All of that seemed more interesting than whatever I was reading about. It was so much more immediate. I’ve since rekindled an interest in books.
  • stuff that gets me good
  • Climaxes in music and movies (HTTYD, Paperman, Nessun Dorma)
  • Believable depictions of sacrifice, suffering, empowerment, loss (Transformers 2)
  • I get nauseated and lightheaded watching realistic depictions of violence (Prison Break, P2)
  • unrequited love
  • I had a strange crush on a girl, and I made a big deal about how I was content with appreciating another human being without having any sort of reciprocation. #clueless
  • The haze, herd mentality and effective solutions
  • I ruminated about a regular situation I experienced in junior college when people would squeeze through one open door, without anybody opening the other door. I then wondered if we could crowdfund some sort of solution to the Indonesian haze. On hindsight, a little naive and ignorant.
  • I’m really bad at starting and managing large projects.
  • I either obsess too much about a single detail at the expense of everything else, or
  • I try to do everything all at once, and it’s a huge mess.
  • With the benefit of 2014 hindsight, I think the trick is to focus on doing smaller versions of the project. If the end goal is baking a wedding cake, you start by baking a cupcake.
  • I wanted to write the memoirs of my life. I thought it would be an interesting writing challenge.
  • I believed that I wouldn’t be able to figure out what I ‘really’ ought to do until I studied my own past a little deeper.
  • I felt like I had stories to tell.
  • 2014 hindsight tells me that this stuff isn’t actually nearly as important as I thought it was. It was interesting when I was an unemployed bum, maybe, but now I have more interesting challenges to work on.
  • I like loads of things, but writing is probably the one thing that I’ll patiently work on and rework for the rest of my life.
  • It’s getting harder and harder for me to live with myself and my state of mediocrity.
  • The entire battlefield this time is ‘entirely inside my mind’- deeper than I have ever dared to reach. (Actually, on retrospect, the battlefield directly, immediately in front of me. How I choose to spend my next 5 minutes, at any given instance.)
  • I made a big deal about how I was going to be all focused and productive like a heat-seeking missile. Still working on it. Must have been reading The Millionaire In The Mirror.
  • ideas are like viruses
  • context can change everything
  • don’t argue- ask questions instead. how should things be?
  • attention and focus are really important. meditate, be self-aware
  • the joy of exhaustion and menial labour
  • I like being immersed into new environments because nobody has preconceived expectations of you and you can choose to be whoever you want to be.
  • I always develop a reputation as a joker/clown everywhere I go
  • There’s a brotherhood and community spirit you only get with blue-collar workers
  • The shower at the end of the day, and getting into bed afterwards– bliss
  • I’ve gotten very good at bluffing people, bullshitting and faking my way out of things.
  • I bullshit myself the most. And it’s exhausting.
  • I want to get out of the cycle of bullshit. It’s hard. Moments of clarity like these are exceptional, and I have to use them to guide my behavior the rest of the time.
  • I’m motivated by the idea of being able to be counted on. I’d like to help people solve their problems. To do that I’ll first have to solve my own.
  • My problems are structural, not intractable. They can be fixed.
  • You know what’s strange and interesting? To observe a person who had once let you in, but now shuts you out. Don’t we all do it? It’s such a complex, subtle and nuanced process. I suppose we shouldn’t trouble ourselves too much that they shut us out in the end, but be honoured and thankful that they let us in to begin with.

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