I was made to be intense

  • I feel like I was made to be immense. This is shorthand. There is no purpose, all is absurd, #welcometothecircus. But I feel like my clowning ought to be large. I don’t feel good being small. I don’t feel good being nudged, pushed around, manipulated by larger forces beyond my control. I acknowledge that they will always be there and that I’ll never have perfect freedom. But I’m not made to live and operate under chronic stress and guilt and anxiety. None of those things are actually useful to me.
  • I exist to part crowds. I exist to turn heads. I exist to provoke, challenge and inspire at scale, and to do that I need to improve my routines and habits. I can’t get out of my current slump by doing what I’ve always done. I need to do something different. I have been playing too small. Drinking the HFCS. Need to break out of those patterns.
  • What are the first principles? Better starting points. Having “if all is lost, do this” heuristic. Right now, I think here’s what I do. I’m in the middle of a mess.  Focus on social media or some equivalent and follow the notifications to death. Death in the daily sense is sleep borne out of sheer exhaustion. It’s the most inelegant, ugly path, like grinding to a halt on gravel. It’s painful in every imaginable sense.
  • I need to learn to fold while I’m ahead. There is no shame in folding instead of tilting into a pot that you’re going to lose.
  • Alright. What to do when all is lost? Sleep as early as possible. Shower. Take a nice warm/hot shower. Go for a run if you can.

How to get more intense:

1. Decide to be intense
2. Use videos / have a psych up routine (motivation)
3. Meditate
4. Ask “What do I want? What is important in life?” – should have this written down really simply

“i want to be more intense” intense about what? “everything” – ok, starting with what? “work, exercise” which of the two? “work” what’s stopping you from being intense? “not sure what to be intense about” what should you be intense about? “next task” what’s the next task? “I have a few things” – ok but what’s THE NEXT TASK?”

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