Argh I’m so angry with myself. I was distracted and unproductive today, taking way too long to do the little work that I did. It has a clear effect on my mood, I’m frustrated, disappointed, unhappy. I feel like an unfit guy letting down his platoon- which is kind of essentially what I am, in a psychological fitness sense.
I can’t dwell on this, that’s unhelpful and goes nowhere. Measures must be taken. I need to disconnect and cut away all distractions. I know that getting off Facebook is helpful. I need to do the same for quora reddit tumblr… That seems difficult. It would make more sense to set aside some sort of generative ritual for content- write and edit when disconnected from the internet.
I found myself thinking about education earlier and how frustrating it is to learn things that you’re not interested in. I was thinking about how I was learning the guitsr yesterday night, making progress by focusing on some really concrete simple goals- learn a riff, learn a chord, that’s it. Bigger things are harder. So yeah I really need to chunk things into smaller tasks because it’s really hard to get go the elephants in the room.
So angry. So angry. Have I ever been this angry in a video game? I suppose it’s vaguely equivalent to facing a boss over and over again and making little to no difference. Dying over and over again. It means that you’re not ready. You’re not good enough. You need to get out and go level. So I really need to reduce everything to the bloody basics and kill the rats. God I’m so angry with myself!!! This will not do, this is not who I want to be. There is a part of me that needs serious demolishing. It’s sickening. It’s an illness. A kind of hostage situation. Need to calm down. I find myself grasping at straws and even looking for ways to blame other people for the shitty state in in. How pathetic is that? Jeez. I suppose the word vomits should be a slight consolation but they’re not, I don’t fully feel it yet. Why do I even think or care about guitar? I suppose it’s a path of less resistance thing. I should be able to get all my shit done at work so that I can truly relax and do my own thing when I’m home, spend time with the wife etc.
I have issues, really. How many times must you acknowledge something before it really feels… real? I need to put things down in writing. Gah this feels so juvenile. Let it go, let it go. There is only this moment.
I don’t really know what to write right now. Kinda stumped. Saw something on GetMotivated about a guy asking for examples of what it’s like to get off Facebook. Btw did I mention that I was tempted to get back on Facebook? Jesus no. I created a work account, the only thing on that profile is my work Page.
I missed two vomits- one because I was rather stressed and upset with myself for being unproductive and another because I had run out of battery- forgot to charge my phone. But I’m right back on this, I’m going to get right back on track because I think clearly this is good for me and I’m not really doing anything better with my transit time to and from work anyway.
I had a rather startling realisation yesterday- which is that I tend to ‘crash’ in productivity after lunch, and I think that has to do with my eating habits. I think I’m not eating enough, or eating right. I’m tall and skinny and have low blood pressure- I can get a little bit giddy/dizzy/lethargic quite easily. I tend to skip breakfast which I’m now thinking is a bad idea. Will have to experiment with this.
The things holding me back are the same things- distractions, lack of routine and lack of structure. I need to avoid falling into the trap of “Yay I acknowledge my problems, well done me, I’m such an acknowledger. Pat on back.” This will not do. Knowledge has to lead to action or it’s essentially worthless (for all practical purposes other than feeling better about oneself). The opposite extreme is equally untenable- there’s no sense in excessive self-flagellation. It makes more sense to get shit done than to spend time and energy punishing oneself for not getting sit done.
I made some progress on the guitar the past couple of days. It’s like a little personal victory. I’ve also been doing pushups when I get home which is a good thing. But these things are not enough and they’re not focused on the things I really ought to be doing. I have messed up priorities. I think I have a vague sense of what my priorities should be but I’m not acting accordingly. The solution can’t be to waste time on productivity porn. I have to know what needs to be done, work-wise, and do it. I’m planning to do it later when I get home. Will I do it? I think I’ll have to disconnect from the internet. I have to do my dailies- I keep writing off the importance of doing dailies for everything from niggling work bits to pushups and water consumption. I need to build my focus muscle. These word vomits are helpful but they’re not enough. Okay. That’s that.
I don’t want to talk about social issues. My opinions on things like lgbt and manning and snowden are inconsequential, they’re distractions, the lazy unfocused mind assuning control. While playing guitar I remembered the importance of practicing the basics very carefully, very slowly. I have never really learnt to do this at an industrial scale and this is above all else what I need to be doing. How much time and energy can a person waste talking about what they ought to be doing instead of doing it? In my case the answer seems to be a lot, infinite, limitless. I know that gamification helpd so I should stick to it.
A part of my mind is saying you should use these moments to think directly about work but meh I’m not sure if I should do that. I should probably do work-based word vomits independently of my personal ones, and I shoulf probably make it a part of a routine. My lack of commitment to routines is a worrying thing and it’s a part of me that I have to brutally murder and distance myself from. Willpower is limited, cognitive resources are limited, so I really have to allocate them as ruthlessly as possible. My work could get a lot more interesting and exciting if I did my job at a scale of magnitude better then I’m expected to.
Getting off Facebook is proving to be insufficient. It’s one data point and it’s proof that I’m happier when disengaged from unscheduled small talk. I should experiment with disengagement from pretty much everything else. Shouldn’t be that hard to do, it’s the sticking to it that’s the challenge. I’m thinking I should build off of this vomit habit. I should use these as meditative mind-clearing re-focusing exercises everyday to keep me on track because I definitely need help. I definitely can’t do this by doing what I’ve always been doing. Some sort of change is necessary and arguing “small or big” is potentially a wasteful and elaborate distraction. (Let’s get it out of the way: small is maybe easier but perhaps less effective, big is traumatic and might possibly get rejected by the broader subconscious… which sounds like bullshit but I think is a real political concern, a consideration that cannot be ignored if I’m serious about change.)
These considerations cannot be at the expense of action. Ready shoot aim. I am rash and abrasive about many things but surprisingly not about this. I’m a shy pathetic Conservative when it comes to personal change and this will surely not do when there is much changing that needs doing.